When we published an ad for this, we weren't sure what kind of responses we were going to get, if any. Turns out, people harbor lots of regret: moments when you should have introduced yourself or asked for a name, even a number, or maybe just flat-out grabbed him and forced your tongue into his mouth. Because now you are lonely and are tired of your one-time hook-up buddy, Mary. And so here is our version of Missed Connections, involving our very own Penn students. It's a pretty good survey of the student body. Some boy is staring at you across the room and looks away when you raise your head? Well, this is what he'd say to you, if he didn't only feel comfortable communicating over the Internet. And please remember, as on Craig's List, you must be 18+ to access, and please, please, please report suspected exploitation of minors to the appropriate authorities.
Sam
I saw you doing a set of Chemistry problems the other day, over at the DRL library. I couldn't work up the courage to tell you, but you were doing one of your problems entirely wrong. Problem 3 - you should have used the ideal gas law. It threw me off at first, too. I was a fool not to talk to you then, because you were very cute. And you were also doing some of the other problems wrong, too: again, just use the ideal gas law - it's really that simple. So, um, I'd really like to go over this problem set with you, so, yeah we should meet up... because of the problem set.
Thurston
I saw you at Rosengarten last week; you were reading The Sound and the Fury (I would have come over and talked to you, but I was at a no-stop moment in Swann's Way. Quite the masterpiece.) At any rate, Fury is Grade-A Faulkner and all, but I hate to admit it: it is overrated. Everyone builds it up to be a main course filet, but it really is limited by being just so predictably Faulkner; they should teach his lesser-knowns (it is a shame that Penn kids are so ignorant of them; thank God for my fellow Philomatheans!). Anyways when we meet up, I'm dying to know whether you agree with me or not. Once I'm a glass deep in the Pinot, I'll further defend myself.
Ben
Dear Bro: I was sitting at a table next to yours at Houston Hall and noticed that you were eating this bodacious-looking panini. I definitely saw bacon and there was potential for ham, but I sadly could not discern the rest. It looked mad good, bro. I didn't want to bother you at the time; you were really into it (like a champ, bro). But I have to know: what was this panini of yours? What does it go by? I've tried at least half of them, including the foul St. Charles's panini. I've been seeking this panini-of-gold. A panini of youth, perhaps. Bro, don't get me wrong: I don't want to hook up with you. I just want know more about this elusive, "Houdini" panini.
Jamba Juice Lady
You are the boy in the Penn sweat pants, that hunk-of-man who always orders a Peach Pleasure. Oh baby, I want you so bad. The lord knows it! I look forward to it, baby - when you walk up, it's like someone hit the mute button on all the behind-the-counter cackling, and when you order, baby, I can barely hit the right buttons on the machine, delaying you and everyone else in line for many minutes. But when I swipe your card, oh baby, do I start sweating! You don't know it baby, but I put extra protein shots in your smoothies, so that your body will be toned to perfection. Baby, I envy that smoothie of yours: you're enjoying it and not me!
Dave
Buddy, you were running around college green, panting a bit, but very cheerful. tail really wagging. I've wanted a dog for a few years now, and buddy, you seem like the perfect type: Lab, golden fur, young (two years-ish?) and real frisky. I didn't notice a master anywhere, so I'm guessing you are a stray or a runaway (don't be ashamed if you are, I really don't care). I've always thought Biscuit would be a nice name, so let me know, Biscuit - and I'll go pick us up some tennis balls!
