Next to the system that ensures that more than half of all Wharton students successfully cheat on all their assignments, the Van Pelt stealing system is the biggest, most complex system that violates school policy. Like ribbons in a vacuum cleaner, Burberry scarves get sucked into the pockets of Van Pelt thieves, not really bothering your Penn-student conscience about buying another one. Given the big entrance sign that warns you to watch your stuff, the sheer number of Van Pelt's Allied security guards who are not sleeping at a particular moment and the comprehensive shakedown of unzipping your zipper exactly one inch so the security guard can sort of peak in - it is, frankly, damn impressive how the thieves do it. To label them "amoral, dirty thieves" is to disregard the sophistication and ingenuity in their plans. They are clever entrepreneurs no different from any business man who ever made money exploiting loopholes, mainly stupidity. Perhaps with all the thefts and robberies, it is time that Penn started admitting more hardened, tough guys - people who don't cry when their hall forgets to invite them to their BYO dinner. After granting anonymity, it wasn't hard to get an interview; like your average Wharton grad being indicted for embezzlement, who wouldn't want to brag about their accomplishments?
Me: Good afternoon.
Thief: No, good afternoon to you.
Me: Someone's cheerful today. How's the day been?
Thief: Not all that bad, really. Got up, caught Animal Planet before I headed over here.
Me: Meerkat Manor?
Thief: Yes. The situation is becoming more tense. Flower's daughter is still pretty devastated after her mom got bit by the snake.
Me: So true. Anyways. looks like you have two cell phones there.
Thief: I guess I do. haha.
Me: Haha. and I also couldn't help but notice you're wearing a girl's coat.
Thief: Right you are there... haha.
Me: Well with that, let's get crackin'. So you are a thief. Or rather, stealing things is one of your many activities. I've heard from Scraz, one of the other thieves, you really know how to work the piano... and you even compose.
Thief: Yes, that is correct, I used to compete back in high school.
Me: And you played at Scraz's wedding?
Thief: Yes. After they heard me play- they joked that the bride wanted to marry me. Haha.
Me: Haha. So, I'm sure you're very talented, but back to stealing: Why stealing? And why Van Pelt?
Thief: It's funny actually. I already work a job: bio-research here on campus. I guess it's just more of a hobby, you know?
Me: And those security guards don't intimidate you?
Thief: Not at all. In fact, I think they probably appreciate us.
Me: How so? Because thieves are the reason why they got jobs in the first place?
Thief: True, but more than that. They'd die of boredom if we weren't there. Allow me to explain with an anecdote. A student was sitting at his desk, got up to go to the bathroom. When he came back his laptop had been stolen. He thought it was a thief, but turns out the security guard had taken it to "teach him a lesson" about watching his stuff.
Me: He took his laptop?
Thief: Of course the guard gave it back. But the point is, the guards love doing shit like this, simply because they are bored. Some are so bored that they will write out and give you these elaborate notes to remind you to not leave your bags alone.
Me: It's funny, we have a Van Pelt security force whose main goal is to remind us to look out for ourselves. That's like a cop trying to break up a mugging by standing next to the victim and advising him on how to fight back.
Thief: I know, and it's great for people like me. It's good laughter for us thieves when at midnight we hear that lady scream "Get yo Penn IDs out!" Funny to see them take themsleves seriously.
Me: True. So, as we all know, you and your friends usually steal laptops, textbooks, entire bookbags, purses, clothes, phones...
Thief: Correct.
Me: Great, so does anything stand out in mind? The highlights, the rare stuff?
Thief: Sure, I've gotten my hands on a lot of crazy things, you wouldn't believe. There's the belt incident.
Me: The belt incident?
Thief: Yes, this male student I'd been scoping out - a bit chubby - had been drinking a lot of coffee. I mean a lot. Doing that's not good for your stomach, for your digestion. He was wearing these tight jeans (don't know who he was kidding) and probably due to the coffee-cramps, he had to take off his belt. He later went to the bathroom, naturally, and it was just cool to take the belt because I had never seen one just lying around in Van Pelt. It wasn't even nice - some casual sports belt, three strips of leather. I had also never stolen from a fat kid, pretty rare shit in this school.
Me: I guess so. and what did you do with the belt?
Thief: Well, Scraz thought it was pretty funny, so I gave it to him.I think he had lost his own belt.
Me: That was pretty nice.
Thief: I know. We don't just steal things, we give things too.
Me: So, why don't you tell us about your strategies. We already heard the "wait for them to go to the bathroom" one, any others?
Thief: Absolutely. We thieves actually meet every Tuesday to brainstorm new plans. We rent one of the Weigel Commons rooms. We've got a big playbook.
Me: Alright, let's hear it.
Thief: As you can tell, I look like a nice guy.
Me: I'd agree, you do.
Thief: That's the key: gain their trust. Sometimes me or Scraz or even Pitzy will be sitting next to someone in Rosengarten, and they'll say "Hey, can you watch my stuff?" Whenever this happens, I get this overwhelming desire to just say "You mean... watch my stuff get stolen!"
Me: Sounds too easy.
Thief: It is. It's funny how people, before they go to the bathroom or Mark's, will put their laptops in their backpacks before they go, like it never crossed their mind that we wouldn't just take their backpack. Some people just want to have suff stolen.
Me: A small group of people.
Thief: Oh and a word of advice, if you're going for a laptop, go for the most fully charged one. Cause it's a real hassle to steal the battery charger too. You have to roll it up into an easily transportable form, and that can take time.
Me: Get in and out.
Thief: Yes, it's all about speed... we have another strategy we're working on.
Me: Let's hear it.
Thief: So when someone goes to the bathroom, and you make your move, there's a risk that this person will be quick, that they really know what they're doing in the bathroom.
Me: I'm following you.
Thief: So this plan we got worked out, we get Pitzy sitting on the toilets so the guy will have to wait for a while. This way we can roll up his battery charger, and not in any sloppy way, but nice and neat.
Me: Wow. I'd be afraid to ever go to the bathroom again.
Thief: You shouldn't be, we'll put you on our "skip list," if you like.
Me: Thanks, that'd be great. So, I guess it's not true that thieves only care about people as much as they can steal from them.
Thief: No, not at all. In fact, we usually go out of our way to steal from those really annoying nerds who, in the middle of the library, explain science concepts really loudly to that kid in their class. Or those people who dress up and go to the library half to work, half to socialize, and then have loud conversations with people. I remember taking a Burberry scarf from one of these, sold it on eBay, and bought Scraz a bottle of wine for the wedding reception.
Me:So, you really like Scraz, I guess. He's doing well with his wife?
Thief: You know it. Want to hear a funny story about how they met?
Me: Of course.
Thief: So Scraz and I picked off an unguarded laptop few years back; we could tell it was a girl's.
Me: I'm following.
Thief: And Scraz gets this crazy idea. He says, "I'm gonna write her a note, a ransom note."
Me: Alright.
Thief: And so this girl gets this note: "Come to the bathroom if you ever want to see your precious laptop again." He wrote it real dramatic like that. So this girl comes to the bathroom, and what do you know... she fucks him! Two years later they're married!
Me: .What?
Thief: Haha.
Me: Hey, is that my phone ringing? Wait a second. That's coming from your pocket.
Thief: Haha. hmm. what's going on?
Me: Damnit, this interview is over.
We hope we all learned this week that thieves are three-dimensional people. The Van Pelt thief ring demands a level of sophistication and work ethic from its thieves. They can certainly teach you a lesson or two about life. Specifically, they can teach you how to hustle life. Get to know these fascinating people, and maybe they'll put you on their "skip list"
