Too often advertisements lie to us. We lose our sense of reality when we see people overjoyed by some new product, for in reality they are actors. From TV ads and billboards alone, it is impossible to know what the men and women fronting these products are really like. Fro Gro is no exception. In this series we reveal the true personalities behind those characters you see printed on the front of food items when shopping at Fro Gro. As glamorous and untouchable as they seem, they are men and women just like us. This is the true story of seven product logos living in aisle 11 at Fro Gro. Late at night when the aisle clears, we're going to find out what happens when product-logos stop acting in front of shoppers and start getting real.
Mr. Clean:
The wheelchair is not as bad as you'd think. most of the men are mature enough to see past it. It's a non-factor.
Little Debbie:
I like it here at Fro Gro because of my friends. And the
boys are pretty cute.
Chiquita Banana:
My family moved from the islands when I was young. But I am not going to let my place of origin stop me from being the next singing sensation. I'll show them what I'm capable of.
Count Chocula:
The people here don't understand me. They look at me like I'm a monster and mock my accent. I don't know. maybe they're right when they say I don't belong.
Special K:
Being a large cursive letter, people are often confused as to how to regard me... as in what sex I am.
Land O'Lakes:
Please do not leave trash in my aisle.
Kool-Aid Man:
What's up, pussy cat? Big Man here.
Note: Italics indicate confessional monologue separate from the rest of the scene.
Count Chocula: Land O'Lakes, everyone has been talking about your teepee. I'm impressed.
Land O'Lakes: Thank you, Count Chocula. It took me two weeks. The falling of the cereal box caused a big delay.
Count Chocula: It's really rare to see a girl doing manual labor these days, on this scale at least.
Land O'Lakes: Well, when one needs a teepee, one will go to great lengths to achieve one.
Count Chocula: But really, you lifted the entire cereal box on your own.
Land O'Lakes: When one's teepee is at stake, she will find the strength, even if it means lifting a cereal box off of it.
Count Chocula: Huh.
Land O'Lakes: Count Chocula, let me tell you a story. In a neighboring tribe, there was a young man much like yourself: confused, awkward, a virgin and only popular among young children whose parents let them eat sweet food. One day his teepee collapsed. He could not recover his self esteem to rebuild it and as a result, without his teepee that night, he was eaten by a wandering pack of wolves.
Count Chocula: That's horrible.
Land O'Lakes: Always have a teepee Count Chocula. Little Debbie is that you?
Little Debbie: Yes it is. I'm sorry but did you hear that Mr. Clean fell like 20 minutes ago?
Count Chocula: He fell? What?
Little Debbie: Yeah, something like that. I think he's okay though.
Count Chocula: So, Little Debbie told us that Mr. Clean fell. My first reaction was honestly to be mad at her. Did you hear her tone? It's as though she didn't even care. The guy is in a wheelchair. You think you could muster some sympathy?
Land O'Lakes: When I heard that Mr. Clean had fallen, I was immediately reminded of my teepee.
Chiquita Banana: Honey, would you calm down? Just begin from the beginning, we're all listening.
Mr. Clean: Alright. So I was wheeling back from the other side of Fro Gro. I had just gotten some sushi. It was the shoreline combo and it was altogether scrumptious. So then I was wheeling and I got back to the top of aisle 11. and turns out someone had dropped a thumbtack right in the middle of my path.
Little Debbie: It sounded like a nightmare. I wanted to go over and hold Count Chocula's hand. Some people say he's a little awkward. But I think one night if someone just gave him a good.
Mr. Clean: I don't think Little Debbie was paying attention.
Chiquita Banana: .so then he tells us that after he hit this "thumbtack," he blew a tire, a tire of his wheelchair. He then "lost control" and went skidding into the sodas. I don't know what actually happened, but all I know is that there's a big, sticky-ass spill all over my aisle and I am NOT gonna be the one cleaning it up.
Special K: Mr. Clean gets a rep for being a clean guy, an honest guy. But really, I think he lies. He lies a lot. He once told me this customer smiled at him. Some Pottruck fitness guy, apparently real cute. That's not believable. Customers don't smile at their packaged food, and especially not their cleaning products. Either way, this spill is a real mess. We hate to ask a handicapped man to clean it up.
Kool-Aid Man: Fogey is full of shit. I don't know who he thinks he is. He better clean it up.
Count Chocula: I mean - you guys. He skidded out of control. Look, you're a handicapped man. We can't make you clean it.
Count Chocula: I had to stand up for him. Mr. Clean is an inspiration in a way. He is physically tip-top but also handicapped. That's a rare combo. He's also one of Fro Gro's top selling cleaning products.
Mr. Clean: Thank you, Count Chocula.
Mr. Clean: I didn't really care that Count Chocula stood up for me. He's just way too awkward.
Chiquita Banana: C'mon Clean, we're always wasting our time cleaning up your messes.
Special K: It's in your name, Mr. Clean. It's what you do.
Mr. Clean: I have a first name too, and it has nothing to do with cleaning. It's Robert.
Special K: Robert? Robert Clean.
Kool-Aid Man: That's fucked up.
Kool-Aid Man: So, I got this really fine girl, just started out pulling tricks. First night on the job, get this shit, she blew all of aisle six. That's faster than the Fro Gro express line. Now there's a real Fro Gro ho for ya.
Mr. Clean: I think of all the aisle 11 guys, I have the least in common with Kool-Aid Man, which is too bad. I knew that if I was going to convince the gang that I wasn't lying, I'd have to convince him first.
Little Debbie: C'mon guys. There are six of us who are not disabled. It's not that hard, let's just clean it up.
Chiquita Banana: Oh, look who is trying to help out.
Chiquita Banana: I usually don't do this, but that girl has slut written all over her face. I heard her talking to Land O'Lakes about going up to Chocula and.
Little Debbie: Chiquita Banana, that's not cool. You're making it harder for us to live together.
Chiquita Banana: Oh, I'm sorry, is there an orphanage around here? We got a crying baby for your doorstep.
Land O'Lakes: I decided I would go back to my teepee. I had to trudge through stale Diet Coke, which upset me.
Mr. Clean: And that's when we heard it. We were still shouting at each other when we heard a big crash -- sounded like an earthquake.
Count Chocula: We rushed over to the other end of the aisle. We all got our shoes sticky with Diet Coke. We were horrified.
Special K: Another cereal box had fallen on Land O'Lakes' teepee, but this time she was inside.
Mr. Clean: All in all, we never ended up cleaning the aisle. We just kind of stopped thinking about it when the cereal box fell on Land O'Lakes.
Special K: Imagine how relieved we were when we heard "Clean up on aisle 11!" over the intercom. We could turn back into the silent logos we are, our aisle finally clean.
