Abstract:
What if during those moments late on Friday night, after the 40s, after the blunts, after the tequila shots - at the moments when you enter into the "blackout stage"- two completely sober men with clipboards showed up and asked you to perform a number of tasks while they observed and took down notes. If you looked like you were going to pass out, they would give you Red Bull, to make sure all of the tests were completed. This past weekend, we did just this.
Purpose:
We seek to prove the following: despite a lack of motor coordination and a general impairment in verbal inhibition, when a subject has reached a blackout state, he is fully capable of doing everyday tasks and in engaging in complicated conversation. In a word, we seek to dispel many of the myths about functioning while blackout, and perhaps as a further implication of our work, we seek to establish alcoholism as a viable alternative lifestyle.
Procedure:
As for our test subject, it is important that we chose a subject who blackouts easily, and who, of course, is 21. Test subject X approached us Thursday evening, interested in our area of research. We instructed him to report to our lab office on Friday morning. Slightly before noon the next day and over the course of an hour and 45 minutes, we gave our subject three beers, two 40s, and two shots of vodka. By 2:00 p.m., he seemed ready. It was time for his pre-registered campus tour.
Test 1: Tour of Campus
Task: Join a group of high schoolers and their parents for a tour of our campus... while blackout.
Results: From the beginning, our subject had difficulty with this task. It took him five minutes and 20 seconds to fill out the card before the tour left, even with made-up information. To ensure unbiased scientific integrity we were not allowed to help. It didn't matter whether the tour guide, Melanie, was as boring as the average Penn tour guide normally is; our subject paid no attention. Our team improvised a sub-task during the tour. We instructed our subject to ask the following when the group had huddled towards the end of the tour: "Now you've told us a lot about its strengths, but what do you consider Penn's greatest weakness?"
Our question was met with the vacant stare of a tour guide who did not have a memorized response for this particular question.
Conclusion: While the attention span is greatly reduced in the blackout state, the subject is still capable of producing poignant, critical analysis of a flawed and hypocritical tour that talks about how well Penn incorporates diversity or something like that.
Test 2:
The Inn at Penn
Task: Attempt to book accommodations one year from now - for 83 of your relatives... while blackout.
Results: We instructed X to approach the concierge at the Inn at Penn and explain how his mom had asked him to book rooms for his entire family one year from now, and to make sure they were all on the same floor. The concierges did not catch onto the fact that he was blackout, or otherwise she did but figured she would help out this hopelessly alcoholic customer. The conversation lasted approximately 14 minutes. Highlights included:
Concierge: So lets say then you'd like 50 rooms. It's $439 per night, and keep in mind we have a four-night minimum.
X: Wait a second. 439 times four - times 50! That's over $100,000. Oh my God. Oh my God! [long pause]
X: You don't understand, my mom is going to kill me. she told me to get the rooms for them today or else none of them will come. Jesus! How am I supposed to get half a million dollars?
Concierge: .
X: Is it possible. do you offer scholarships?
Concierge: .
Conclusion: The subject proved surprisingly good at undertaking calculations dealings with quantities of family members. From this, it seems alcohol does not break apart families, but perhaps better organizes them.
Test 3:
Rock Climbing
Task: Scale Pottruck's rock mountain... while blackout. Results: We called ahead to book a supervisor, and to speed along the process, we changed the subject's shoes for him. Surprisingly, our subject was able to scale the wall more easily than we expected. X kept shouting about his plans to traverse the wall and at a blindingly slow speed he moved grip-by-grip across the wall. He fell and we ended the test.
Conclusion: While you have less muscle coordination in the blackout state, apparently you have a renewed source of energy and strength that can be harnessed towards impressive feats. It is that sense of recklessness that separates the good fighters from the bad ones.
Test 4: Van Pelt
Research Paper
Task: Approach a senior-looking librarian and get as many book suggestions as possible for a research paper on the "Italian Revolution"... while blackout.
Results: After taking three shots of tequila outside of Van Pelt, our subject entered and went straight to the reference desk. Our team pretended to be working at the computers nearby. An older, studious-looking guy helped X, and over the course of 12 minutes, we learned that he was not historically inclined. In all, the man wrote down 11 book titles for X. Anticipating likely responses from the librarian, we instructed X to mention phrases like "Italian Unification" to help get him through. X did well, and at the end, the librarian noted that this set of books should "give you a well-rounded perspective on the Italian Revolution." Highlights included:
Librarian: Which era are you writing this paper on?
X: I'm not totally sure, I'd say pushing into the early unification days.
Librarian: So, 1800s?
X: Yes, maybe.
Librarian: Okay, that does sound familiar. Gosh, yeah, Italian Revolution. Garibaldi was part of that, yes?
X: You know what, you're right. Our teacher gave a huge lecture on Garibaldi.
Librarian: Great, let's take a look.
[a few minutes later]
X: You wouldn't happen to have a book on how Garibaldi's second-in-command played a role in plotting the revolution? Or do you think maybe that's not what I want in my paper? He just seems really important.
Librarian: Yeah, no. If I was writing a paper on that, yeah, I'd include it. Possibly just a footnote. it certainly wouldn't hurt. Would you like me to find some more books on him?
X: Please sir!
Conclusion: While subject X may not be able to read the books, he was certainly capable of tracking them down. Academic abilities are not entirely compromised in the blackout state.
Test 5:
34th St. Starbucks
Task: While providing our subject with shots of espresso to prevent any impulses to lie down or sleep, we improvised a task: get into a deep discussion with the Starbucks barista about the fat content of mochas.
Results: Our subject approached the barista at the counter and proceeded to outline his concerns about the effects this mocha might have on his figure. During the course of the conversation, the barista procured a brochure that contained the ingredients and calorie content of each drink. At a later point, the barista ensured our test subject that with skim milk, one grande mocha would not affect his figure. When then asked how many grande, skim milk mochas it would take to have a noticeable effect on one's figure, she replied, "I'd say in the lower 200s, with no exercise of course."
Conclusion: Try to limit yourself to 220 mochas.
Test 6: Bake a Cake
Task: We will give our subject the task of baking a cake... while blackout. He will have to decide for himself which ingredients he will need, go to Fro Gro to get them, and then try like hell, (in volunteer #12's high rise kitchen) to bake it.
Results: Outside of Fro Gro, around 5:45 p.m., we informed our subject that he was to now bake a cake. At this point, the subject had reached intolerable levels of crankiness and kept trying to sit down on the floor. Our team had to motivate him and remind him of the importance of this experiment to humanity in general. After aimlessly stumbling around Fro Gro, and after asking every girl under the age of 30 where the cake mix was, he reached it.
Our subject was unable to read the box. He attempted to call volunteer #12 to ask him what he needed in order to make a cake. He gave up and just bought the mix. He fell asleep outside the sliding doors, cake mix in hand. We abandoned the task.
Conclusion: "As easy as cake" is a phrase that is clearly biased and sober-normative.
The blackout state makes for a complicated, rich and rewarding subject, deserving of more attention from the scientific research community. It is a shame that scientists have neglected such a fascinating subject for so long and that society has ignorantly labeled the blackout as destructive and incapable of adopting children. We can only hope that our research will help the community open their eyes... and one day embrace the blackout idiot.
Closing Remarks:
The blackout state makes for a complicated, rich and rewarding test subject, deserving of more attention from the scientific research community. It is a shame that scientists have neglected such a fascinating subject for so long and that society has ignorantly labeled the blackout as destructive and incapable of adopting children. We can only hope that our research will help the community open their eyes... and one day embrace the blackout idiot.
