People often take their dogs to dog parks so that they can get their pets to interact with others. In the month of February, our very own student council does the same thing. But with us. And boy, is it awesome! In the recent Penn alumni survey, alumni voted the month of February of their senior year as their best memory at Penn; this is because of Feb Club. For those who complain that class board members are nothing but ambitious tools who have no interest in actually hanging out with you, you are wrong. Decades ago, they created the enduring legacy of the Feb Club, one of the most ingenious projects ever conceived since the formation of the Baby-Sitters Club. Since its inception, Penn has gained its reputation as the Social Ivy. Partying every night of the week? Unheard of! And you don't party with just everyday people, but with the people that YOU elected. Or 20% of your class elected. But for those of you who are not as social as these crazy Feb Clubbers, here are some fun alternatives that are sure to keep your police record clean - why risk it with Feb Club when you've got jobs coming up?
Make YouTube videos: By now you have probably seen Chris Crocker and have watched 20 video responses to "2 Girls, 1 Cup," so it's no surprise that the quickest path to 15 minutes of fame is an online video of you doing something stupid. We recommend showing off your 3 a.m. post-Smoke's karate skills, or making a video montage of that quiet studious girl from your hall to the tune of Crank Dat. Feeling really adventurous and a little slutty? See the section about making porn.
Erotic Photo Hunt: If you haven't played this after four years of college, you haven't learned a damn thing. Attention to detail is a real world skill. "I think her left nipple is bigger in that one!"
Play charades with your favorite ITA: The probability is high that a Harry Potter character will come up. The probability is also high that he will be at Feb Club. If you do play, keep in mind he probably went to a two-day workshop to learn the game, and therefore merely pretends to be really good at it. If you get stumped try guessing "another example of my tuition money gone to waste."
Guitar Hero: In not too long most of you seniors are going to be corporate slaves, so why not savor your last moments of childhood by beating the game with a perfect score? Sure you won't be able to play an actual guitar when you're done, but secretly you'll probably still consider yourself a musician. You will also join the elite population of middle schoolers that can say they beat Lou the Devil in the final battle to earn back their band's soul and the title of "Guitar Legend"!
Masturb(08): The best way to show off your class pride. Bonus points if you do it to Facebook pics.
Go to a Penn fine arts performance: As you yawn, be reminded that people are here at Penn to make money, not art. We've got a fashion magazine hopelessly tracking the latest in whatever JAP trend hits the uber-pricey "vintage" racks of Buffalo Exchange, a supposedly renowned musical "comedy" group dedicated to making sure their club remains all white (plus two Asians for the racist bits) in which the real "comedy" is the number of times they've recycled their skits through the years and a choir group full of "gleefully" singing virgins dedicated to outdated Latin hymns, only saved by their cool-looking drummer with shaggy hair. With "artsy" groups like these on campus, for the love of God, just pick up Quake. We don't know if its fine arts, but you know those girls have to be artsy when they look artsy without even wearing clothes.
Election-related drinking games: It's good to be a politico. It's good to care about things. And it's good to be drunk. Watching CNN? Go ahead and drink every time Hillary Clinton says "day one," every time Obama speaks and says nothing and every time McCain says "That time in Vietnam."
Take up drugs: Drugs have withstood the test of time. Up until the point where you have used all of your money on them, drugs improve things for you. It's pretty easy to say no to Feb Club when you sincerely don't give a shit about what's going on outside your dorm or when the mushroom men are too big to climb over or when you have something like a milk mustache going on under your nose.
Make your own porn: In the digital era anyone can be the next Jenna Jameson or Lexington Steele - all it takes is a little creativity and the right lighting. Think you can operate a stick-shift with your vagina? We want to see it. Perhaps you've been endowed with the ability to play the clarinet, and we're not talking about with
your mouth. We want to see it. Maybe you have a furry fetish? We want to see it. So what if those dining hall bananas are never ripe, they can be your ticket to stardom.
Go to the gym: Improve upon your body image; raise your self esteem. Man was created in the image of God, but that image certainly had muscles. And while it does not say so explicitly, I imagine that this man also had self-esteem, despite being Christian. It is true: many Christians here at Penn are buff. The same is not so true for our religious majority: while Moses had the traps, the powerful thighs and the stabilizing core muscles to smash the larger of the idols, his physical legacy seems to have been neglected. The Christians, peaking with Pope Leo, who could bend steel, seemed more interested in carrying on this tradition of rippedness. The body of Christ. So hot right now.
Quizzo: Suit up with your mobile devices and head to New Deck, Smoke's, Blarney's. have your pick. "What is the date of birth of Henry Fonda?" Easy, it's May 16, 1905, bitches.
Missed Connections: Here at Street, we are big fans of Craigslist, whether it be to find a weird Asian grad student subletter or to simply browse the posts of creepy old rich men looking for girls to "spoil." But the best section by far is Missed Connections: "Hot Spanish girl walking down 18th street" EMAIL ME PLZ!!! Seriously
