To the guy that bought all those screwdrivers at CVS: Whatcha gonna do with all those?
To Ben Franklin: Your idea of a secularized university is ludicrous. What are you, a heathen? Go fly a kite.
To the Class of 1908: Letting Jews in now? What's next? Women? Ha, that'll be the day!
To the newest of the planets: Pluto, you're the best!
To the West Philadelphia zoning commission: Why don't we put Club Wizzards under the new Chili's? It'll be a cool hang out spot for all the college kids!
To George Bush Sr.: Don't eat the sushi.
To cigarettes: Thanks for making me feel so skinny. I'll never stop smoking you no matter what.
To Pangaea: Keep it together!
To Britney Spears: You've really inspired me to wait until marriage, too!
To Bill: I really enjoyed meeting you at my interview today. Sincerely, Mon
To my 56K modem: You're faster than my girlfriend.
To pantaloons: You're so airy and fashion-forward.
To Dinosaurs: I'm coming for you. Love, Asteroid
To Operation Desert Storm: Thank God we've secured the peace in the Middle East. To Pogs: You slammin'!
To the Camp David Accords: So glad that one is over.
To Kirk Cameron: So glad that one is over.
To Abel: Give me back my Birthright water bottle holder or I'll kill you! -Cain
To Jeni Sue and Thomashow: Thanks for contributing every week!!!!!!!
To Darwin: Whatchu talkin' bout? Love, Intelligent Design
To the closeted guy painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel: You're really hot, chisel my wall.
To Freud: Yo' mama so fat, her son wouldn't even do her!
To Brutus: BFFAEAEAE. You'd tell me if my toga made me look fat, right? Love ya, Caesar
To Moses: Cut your hair. Love, Mom
To Columbus: Thanks for coming.
To the Pilgrims: Why couldn't you have landed on me first?? -Chrysler Rock
To Michael Vick: Thanks for adopting me, WOOF WOOF!
To Kurt Cobain: Plaid isn't really that flattering.
To DDT: Thanks so much for killing all the insects on my lawn!
To Martin Luther: Fuck you! To Roe: I had a great time last night and yes, I'm POSITIVE the condom didn't break. Love, Wade
To The Renaissance: Why you gotta be so positive? -The Dark Ages
To the Great Wall of China: I've seen bigger. Tehehe. -Ghengis Khan
To Eli Whitney: I don't get it, where does the gin come out?
To Carnie Wilson: You're fat.
To Ricki Lake: You're fatter. To Oprah: You're so skinny!
To Bunim & Murray: 7 people. picked to live in a house. to find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real? I'll tell you what happens: nothing. This show sucks.
To the guy who rode into my village on horseback last night: I'm only half British, but I'm definitely coming! To rats: Thanks for the Plague. Really, who saw that one coming?
To Mao Zedong: Has anyone ever told you that red is really your color?
To Martin Luther King Jr.: Please take some Rozerem. We miss you. Love, Your Dreams
To Molly Shannon: I sweat when I'm nervous, too. Superstar!
To the producers of Grease: I really loved this film, and I hope you make a sequel!
To Jazzy: You're old and washed up. Get a job.
To Alf: Why do you eat cats? To my Tomagachi: I'll take care of you till the day I die.
To those butts in the window of High Rise North: You're gonna get caught.
To Stonehenge: Best henge EVER.
To America's Funniest Home Videos: How many time can we watch someone get hit in the balls before it gets old?
To Prohibition: Great idea, I really think you're gonna catch on.
To Parachute Pants: You look ridiculous.
To the guy that thought it was a good idea to charge a dollar for bottled water: do you think I'm really that dumb?
To Y2K: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.
To Mikhail Gorbachev: There's something on your head.
To AIDS: Thank God you only kill gay men and intravenous drug users.
To Stegosaurus: Thanks a lot for knocking me into the tar pit. Now my claws are all sticky! -Love, Pterodactyl
To Napoleon: Have you tried shoe lifts? To Lance Bass: I knew that when you pointed at me during your mall tour concert that we would one day get married. I'll wait for you always! Love, Suzette from Tallahassee
To the first guy who thought that it was a good idea to eat curdled milk: way to go.
To Hampsterdance.com: get over yourself already, you aren't that great.
To Truman: In your face, BITCH! -Dewey
To G-Dubs: Way to show those pledges how to drink like a DeKE. See you tonight! I'll bring the blow, you bring the hookers, we'll rendezvous at the house.
To Zuckerberg: You're a dork and nobody will ever want to use your lame Website. Everyone knows that you're just a creepy stalker.
To Lady Di: Buckle up!
To the captain of the Titanic: Morse Code me back if you got my message about the iceberg.
To Mr. Gates: We regret to inform you that we are not investing in your start-up. We think you're kind of a joke.
To my Beanie Baby Collection: Thank you for making me a future billionaire.
To Macaulay: I left the back door unlocked for you -MJ
To Dumbledore: Why don't you ever reply to my erotic owl posts? -Minerva
To God: Thanks for creating me. Can I have a friend? Maybe someone to have sex with? Love, Adam
