Students question utility of 'electronic mail'
April 25, 1994 - All over campus, students are speaking out against electronic mail, or "e-mail," a new technology that some fear may lead to the complete downfall of human civilization. "Why e-mail when I can just speak to someone?," said one Nursing junior. "Next thing we know they'll be putting all of our faces online in some sort of corporate-owned searchable database."
Still, Penn President Judith Rodin is optimistic about the technology. "Electronic mail will bring Penn into the '90s," she said. "Before this decade is over, everyone will be using e-mail, driving electric cars and doing the Macarena. Mark my words!"
"What's the Macarena?" responded a sullen-looking and goateed male dressed in plaid.
Meanwhile, students are content to stick to more traditional modes of communication.
"Personally, I love flyers," said John Legend, a sophomore in the College. "People can just ignore electronic messages, but when someone gives you a flyer on the Walk, man, you're going to pay attention to that."
Al Gore, Vice President and inventor of the dubious computer network known as "the Internet," had no comment.
August 29, 1958 - Confusing the University of Pennsylvania for Penn State has been a mainstay of pop culture ever since that inferior public institution opened its doors in 1855. But righteous indignation and social mortification might be a thing of the past for Quakers at cocktail parties come this fall when the University is officially inducted into the Ivy League - a new sports conference made up of similarly elite private institutions that will include Harvard, Yale and Princeton.
Officials at the founding schools considered a number of names for their elitist grouping, including the "Big WASPy 8" and "No Poors Allowed," before finally settling on the subtler Ivy moniker.
Reception has been warm for the University's inclusion in the conference, with all parties agreeing that Pennsylvania will perpetually play second fiddle to the Harvard-Yale-Princeton triumvirate. However, its new Ivy League connections should clear up the Penn-Penn State confusion that has plagued their fragile egos for so long.
"Thank God for this sports conference," said Robert James Shillingsworth IV, a Wharton junior and triple legacy from Bridgeport, Conn. "Now when someone makes the grave error of conflating me with those plebian state-schoolers, I can set them straight by tactfully mentioning its Ivy status and not come off as a condescending, status-obsessed asshole."
University plans move to posh West Philly
February 12, 1872 - Amidst worries about urban sprawl and the alarming appearance of pickpockets and vagabonds in the city, University officials have announced their plans to move campus across the Schuylkill River to the pastoral and crime-free area known as West Philadelphia.
"Though our city now boasts enough factories to employ all of its respectable women and children, crime and truancy are thriving on the streets," said Provost Charles Janeway Stillé. "Just the other day, whilst I was taking my morning constitution along Walnut Street, a soot-covered street urchin plucked two pence from my waistcoat pocket. I've never been so appalled in all of my life."
Aside from its safety, officials feel that the new campus will also provide nicer surroundings for the University's traditionally aristocratic students. "This relocation will keep the upright gentry of fair Pennsylvania away from undesirables," said Stillé. "It's one thing to encounter some hard working Papists at the local tavern," he said in reference to the city's many Irish, Italian and Polish residents, "but to be living amongst them? We might as well enroll Jewry and women in our school if we're going to allow that."
August 18, 1920 - The recently ratified 19th Amendment, which endows women with the right to vote, is considered a disturbing addition to our nation's Constitution by many esteemed universities. University of Pennsylvania Provost Josiah H. Penniman has spoken out against this radical move, citing that this amendment may have far-flung consequences that politicians have not considered.
Provost Penniman noted that while he is proud to head a university that maintains a progressive stance on female education - the position of Advisor of Women, held by Penn alumnus Louise Hortense Snowden (C'98), was established just last year - he believes the greater public should be aware that granting women the right to vote "could result in women believing they can - and should - attain positions of high power, such as the presidency of our great University."
Penniman went on to say that he worried Penn "would fall under female leadership by the end of the century."
He also reminded that a "female university president is just one step away from a female president of the United States - and no one wants that."
Edith Baer, Assistant Professor of Home Economics and the first woman member of Penn's standing faculty, did not answer requests for comment.
October 24, 1929 - Penn officials have dubbed this Tuesday (October 29) "Red and Blue Tuesday" because it will mark the launch of an ambitious new capital campaign.
Penn's chief financial officer Herman T. Richie expounded, "Stocks are shooting up, up, up. If all goes to plan, Penn will surpass Harvard, Yale and Princeton and become the richest school in the country. We will do Ben Franklin proud and our second-rate reputation will be a thing of the past!"
"Afterwards, there will be nothing but a great contentment," agreed Walter Pennybags, a Penn trustee who wears a top hat and looks suspiciously like the Monopoly board game mascot.
At a party celebrating the launch of the campaign, Penn officials wore monocles, laughed heartily, name-dropped Vanderbilts and Kennedys and drank moonshine out of a tub in the foyer of College Hall. They only stopped talking about money briefly to condemn the Jazz Age.
"Such foolhardy rapscallions, these youths, with their Charleston dances and their bobbed haircuts!"
The campaign seeks to raise an outrageously unprecedented $100,000.
December 6, 1974 - For the past several months, The Daily Pennsylvanian has been investigating the abrupt resignation in late August of a very high profile figure. While the nation's media outlets had abandoned this story, the DP continued its efforts to uncover the reasons for the departure.
Some have criticized the paper for its preoccupation with the story, but the diligence of our reporters has finally paid off. Despite mounting evidence, we were unable to directly pinpoint why President Nixon had resigned. Now it has come to light that the President was directly involved in the break-in at the Watergate Hotel. Two reporters working on this story, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, tirelessly canvassed Washington in order to get the inside scoop.
As Penn has never had any resignations under false pretenses, the DP - with Woodward and Bernstein - were unsure how to deal with the situation. However, they were determined to expose the truth. "Make no mistake about it," Executive Editor Lisa Tetson said, "the DP is going to get to the bottom of this resignation." The reporting duo have since been awarded the Li'l Pulitzer Prize for Outstanding Journalism.
Local resident has delusions of grandeur
January 30, 1985 - Will Smith, a West Philadelphia resident, is an aspiring musician who goes by the moniker of "Fresh Prince." Well let me "drop some knowledge" on you, Mr. Smith: we don't have a monarchy in America. And I think I speak on behalf of the good ol' U.S. of A. when I say that we just don't get this "rapping." Or is it "wrapping," as in, "I'll be wrapping some bandages around my ears because this stuff is giving me a headache."
What happened to the soulful stylings of Michael Bolton? The beautiful harmonies of Wilson Phillips? Maybe if you hold on for just one more day, Mr. Smith, you'll see that this music you're making with your pal Bluesy Bill or Jazzy Jeff or whatever his name is will never catch on. And one more thing: with those big ears and that goofy style, you will never succeed in television and/or film. Good day, sir!
War spells end of depression for Penn alumni
March 12, 1942 - If the latest alumni survey is any indication, the US is well on its way to recovery after years of economic depression. For the first year since 1929, the average reported earnings of Penn alumni have seen an increase. Analysts are contributing this fiscal boom to the beneficial effects of war profiteering.
"After the crash of '29, I thought I'd never bounce back," said Stephen Wyantt Jennings, Wharton '11. "My bank was forced out of business, we had to default on all government loans, and I was left with only my stockpile of gold bullion and collection of priceless Renaissance paintings to support myself. It got so bad that I had to sell my family's second home on Cape Cod," he said of the period when hundreds of thousands of Americans were left destitute and homeless, forced to slowly starve to death in makeshift shantytowns.
But Jennings, like many Penn alumni, found relief when he successfully avoided the draft to fight in Europe, and instead opened a sweatshop-like factory that manufactures rifle ammunition. He now sells the shoddily made shells at vastly inflated prices to the US Army, and then reinvests the profits into risk-free government war bonds.
"God bless FDR and his hopelessly idealistic New Deal," Jennings said of President Roosevelt's series of reforms designed to spur economic growth. "I mean, as a Wharton grad, I had always just assumed that I hated socialism, but that's before I realized how easily it could be exploited for my own profit."
January 17, 1883 - Today marked the first day of classes at the new Wharton School of Finance and Economy, which will teach business acumen and the entrepreneurial spirit to students at the University of Pennsylvania.
Joseph Wharton, the steel magnate whose generous donation made the school possible, was optimistic about its future success. "In this new era of industry, America needs a school of conscience and compassion that will teach the new Rockefellers and Carnegies how to govern their interests ethically. The Wharton School will be just such a place: we will eschew greed for the good of the common worker, unimaginable riches for a sense of fairness in economy and sensationalistic marketing for advertising that has the consumer's interest at heart."
When asked what types of careers the school would prepare its students for, Wharton said, "Whatever its young men choose to pursue, one thing will remain certain - the Wharton School will not be some refuge for bankers and money analysts who simply move abstract sums of money around to make themselves rich while contributing nothing to society; on the contrary, it's a place where outright avarice will be ostracized and the betterment of our world will take precedence over the bottom line."
September 11, 1965 - Today the Penn community has christened Locust Walk as the new artery of campus. Campus planners spent forty years designing the project and testing its durability.
The direct route path that connects 34th Street and 40th Street makes wandering impossible. So far, it has seen an enormous amount of traffic, mostly students going forth from the west part of campus to the east.
However, the path still does have some challenges. While journeying on the path, the beliefs of the walkers are tested by competing signs and texts in the form of "flyers". Walkers may be called to by voices demanding them to stop or to take flyers for the road ahead. Additionally, the path has no water drainage, and therefore has a tendency to flood. This structural idiosyncrasy was made at the request of the donor, who claimed to dislike excessively dry conditions.
When asked whether the completion of the path met his expectations, College senior Moses Herzog says, "Well, it's not exactly what they promised and it tends to get a little busy, but I'm just glad it's done."signs and texts in the form of "flyers". Walkers may be called to by voices demanding them to stop or to take flyers for the road ahead. Additionally, the path has no water drainage, and therefore has a tendency to flood. This structural idiosyncrasy was made at the request of the donor, who claimed to dislike excessively dry conditions.
When asked whether the completion of the path met his expectations, College senior Moses Herzog says, "Well, it's not exactly what they promised and it tends to get a little busy, but I'm just glad it's done"
