Demands:
* A salary over $25,000 (yes, Wharton students we make as much in one year as you will make in 3 months)
* Dental and 401(k)
* 1 week paid vacation
* A bonus that is NOT swag you got from The Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards
* Gas money
* To be addressed by name. not by number or by snapping
* Invitations to industry functions at which we AREN'T working
* Adherence to The Declaration of Human Rights
* Bathroom breaks
consequences
* We will give your information to "Star Maps"
* We will go on the talk show circuit with those pictures of you from Heidi Klum's Halloween party AFTERPARTY, and your night with Britney in the hot tub at the Standard Hotel
* We will ebay with your credit card information
* We will hint at the possibility that we may have spat in your lunch but will not tell you when or what food
* We will give Us Weekly your plastic surgery before, during (oh yes, our phones have cameras too) and after photos
* We will reprogram your TiVo to record every episode of Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? AND ONLY THAT... Looks like we're not the only ones who'll be missing new episodes of The Office
* We'll tell Lindsay Lohan and Jennifer Lopez's people that you'd love to be involved in their next project. preferably something involving both of them
You will tremble when 4 p.m. rolls around and there's no one there to get your regular ultimate vanilla ice blended, no sugar added, easy on the whip. You can get it your own damn self. And my name isn't Sarah - it's Todd.
