Oh the poor writers. POOR, POOR, writers. Their plight seems to be never-ending; their struggle for 4 more cents on DVD sales really rivals that of the "Little Rock Nine." One can't understand their daily toil of getting up at noon, smoking a joint, cranking out ten pages of a script, napping, going out to a bar and then repeating it all again the next day. Let me just get out my violin. wa waaa.
But there are greater unsung heroes in this fight - those who work ceaselessly without fatigue or complaint. Every time you see a writer holding a coffee cup, or wielding a beautifully drawn sign, who do you think is behind them every step of that picket line? Us. The little people. The assistants. We minimum wage slaves have never attempted a revolution to better our working conditions. until now.
Hear us, Girl Who Massages Judd Apatow's Cuticles and Dude Who Drops Tina Fey's Kids Off At the Pool: This is a call to arms of all fellow assistants, to rise up and demand greater compensation and respect. These writers are really suffering, chanting in circles all day ("How greedy can they get, they won't even share the net". cute), while we're standing out in the 75 degree Los Angeles sun with no Chanel sunglasses to our name. We're the ones running all over town, letting out dogs, changing diapers, picking up dry-cleaning, ordering and delivering a lunch we won't ever get to taste! Enough is enough. Now is the time. You want 4 more cents? Well, we want a salary level above the poverty line so I can stop taking loans from my grandparents. Dental would also be appreciated.
Below is a list of our demands, and the repercussions if they are NOT met. The Assistants Guild of America (aka the AGA), is willing to negotiate with the WGA, SAG, DGA and AMPTA. If all parties do not come to an agreement then the AGA will strike. Who's gonna do your Christmas shopping now, suckas? We will also bring with us the HGAM (Housekeepers and Gardeners Alliance of Mexico), and KFSI (Kraft Food Service Industry). Maybe then you'll see how integral we are to the daily routine of the entertainment industry.
