Jetlagged, overworked and fat, it's been a long time since we checked in with our favorite social scene. But after stuffing ourselves during Thanksgiving Break, we can't resist sitting our stretched stomachs down to another feast of debacles and questionable behavior. Happily, Sweeper carves up seconds:
Turkey and Mashed Potatoes: Public exposure gets picked up by the student population. Returning early for a Saturday night of fun before classes, a group of Senior Swingers decided to chat up some St. Joe's senior girls at Smoke's. Showing off their fine pick-up skills, the boys first failed to negotiate a makeout session in exchange for 50 bucks for their in-need friend, before turning to Plan B: Operation Flash. Convincing the girls to go into a more secluded area by the bathrooms, a coerced fellow barfly undid his pant fly and exposed the smaller of his two heads. Call it prudish, call it prudent, but the girls quickly excused themselves and left with a panicked "goodbye." And we though hotdogs were only sold outside.
Yams and Marshmallows: Wharton senior lands himself in prison and on the news for what CBS deems "bizarre behavior." Having broken into a Mayer dorm room to make off with the female occupant's undergarments, our panty pickpocket was unluckily caught in the act. This is what society often calls "perverted." $20,000 in bail and a long list of criminal charges later, this young representative of the University accomplished in a single evening what most Whartonites can only dream of accomplishing in an entire semester. A hefty price to enact one's own rendition of Room Raiders, but the worst may still be coming. Legal charges have to go on the resume.
Pumpkin Pie, Assorted Desserts: Roasty Toasty makes a visit to Kappa Sig house, brings the eighth, forgets the Hotdogs. SDT beats out Chi O for new Panhellenic prez... TriDelt holds annual Pancake eating contest, attendees complain of long lines for the bathroom, alleged choking sounds from within. About-town Sophomore girl has cover charge at "downtown" party in her Faculty father's digs, collecting money for her chronic laryngitis. Rodin sophomore caught doing blow by her RA; RA joins in. OWLs and ZETE near the end of their dirty rush process, button-down shirts, pseudo-European bravado multiply on 34th, 4000 Pine. Newly-minted Frosh Class Prez boots in Beta House hallway, gets material for his Critical Writing Seminar. Rabbis encourage intra-faith hook-ups during Shabbat dinner at JHP retreat. Embarrassed Tabard hides at rush event, eats microwavable macaroni alone in the dark. "Please don't tell anyone," she says, "I forgot to eat dinner."
As the semester now draws to a close, Christmas cheer is already upon us - but it might be hard to find under the stacked books in Rosengarten. Stay sane everyone. It's mostly busy work anyway.
Editor's note: This article has been revised since the original printing.
