According to a new study, one fifth of all American children aren't allowed to go outside. In unrelated news, American children: fat.
Oregon English teacher loses her fight to take a gun to class. How is she supposed to signal the end of reading period?
Newsweek claims that 1968 was the most important year in history. 1967 protests, claims it ate 1969, intimidates 1966.
The Writer's Guild strike continues to stretch on, shutting down many TV shows. Penn girls forced to stop procrastinating, head to the libs.
Oil prices continue to approach $100 a barrel. Penn Republicans buy two kegs of PBR for same price, throw "World War III"-themed party.
Shootout between rappers breaks out at Chuck E. Cheese. 'S why you don't roughhouse in the ball pit, muthafucka.
Kanye West's mother dies while undergoing plastic surgery. Whatever. 50 Cent's mother has died in plastic surgery nine times.
McDonald's plans to add upscale drinks to its menu. Single Eye Productions to offer bottle service Thursday night.
Russia and India are joining forces to send a spaceship to the moon. Astronauts to eat vodka-filled samosas en route.
Illinois posts all-time lows in high school test scores. Iraq posts all-time lows in high schools.
Cases of chlamydia are the highest ever recorded, at 2.8 million cases annually. Good thing you can't get an STD in college...
