J.K. Rowling revealed this week that Professor Dumbledore is gay. Outed wizard sells Pensieve on eBay, plans move to San Francisco, claims Jake Gyllenhaal will appreciate his Elder Wand.
The search for a suspected pedophile is now centered on a sex resort in Thailand. Police were tipped when man's Facebook status read: "John Likeskidsalot Smith is hiding out in Thailand, shhh!"
A middle school in Portland, Oregon has decided to make birth control pills available to girls as young as eleven. Ten-year-olds bust open champagne, start popping out babies!!!
Jim Watson, discoverer of the double-helix structure of DNA, implied that whites were more intelligent than blacks in a comment last Thursday. Sweden makes note to self: "Withhold Nobel Prize from racist lunatics."
A 27-year-old student at Stanford has been crowned Sudoku champion of the world. Will Shortz drinks bottle of Nantucket, says "Fuck it" and commits suicide.
Louisiana elected the first Indian-American governor in U.S. history. Texas alarmed, but expects him to be a naan factor.
