The circus tents have been stowed away to wait another year. Homecoming weekend came, conquered, and went in the span of a few nights. Here's what we found amid the Sunday morning wreckage:
A seductively dressed "President of the University's" MAKING HISTORY Capital Fundraising Campaign was overshadowed by a 30-year-old Pike Alum who passed out drunk on the Chi-O porch Friday morning in a full business suit. His life, apparently, is going that well. The weekend also brought up awkward questions en masse regarding the departure of a former Dean of Admissions, particularly from one 34th Street Editor Emeritus. Apparently, Daddy prefers to whip out his checkbook when he knows his little girl is getting into Annenberg.
Meanwhile, our undergrads continued to entertain themselves in a wide array of manners, despite spending the weekend on the University's back-burner. An Owls Cavalier landed in jail after a Thursday Night fight at Zee Bar, and things got even better when the Owls' ex-Prez rushed to the police station to help his brother out. When he couldn't afford to post bail, the shaggy-haired New Yorker made an embarrasing faux-paux, trying to slip an officer a cool $500 in exchange for his friend's freedom. Money troubles? In Owls? My, how the bourgeoisie have fallen.
Transitioning to the Quad, our infamous Gingerbread Man was spotted again, heating up this year's freshman celebrity showdown. This time observed spooning his RAs door, belting "Down Down Baby" at the top of his lungs with chunks of a bird's nest strewn about the hall, this walking shitshow has pressed ahead of even our waifer twins in campus notoriety. For their part, the St. Paul girls appear to be faltering after a fast start out of the gate, as people have begun to tire of the smoking-cigarettes-in-the-corner act. The race for "Rookie(s) of the Year" is far from over, but for the waifs to recover, they'll need to revitalize their campaign. Our suggestion? Threesome. Preferably with the Gingerbread Man's roommate. Ladies, we await your rebuttal.
Blushful Banter: Mask & Wig debuts their "Phallus in Wonderland," ancient alumni reminisce on homoeroticism. Zete late night sees return of former Tabard-Zete power couples, underlings tremble at the glory of former years. Red Rover outbreak gets out of hand on Delancey, cops enjoy flirting with hippies, and vice versa. PennQuest Sophomore vomits violently enough to piss herself, on street in front of the Pinball Alley. Dzine2Show experiences low turnout at Patou launch party, leads to internal crisis: were "WALK" cover models not photoshopped enough?!. Serial visiting cousin of SAE president scores again. and again. and again. Total visits to campus? Three. Total number of SAE brothers she's hooked up with: Seven. Insert your own STD joke here.
Oh Class of '07, we missed you. Now got back to work. We'll keep cutting class. xo
