Today at the University of Pennsylvania, President Amy Gutmann revealed the direction of the university's newest fundraising campaign. Hailed as "the most ambitious fundraising campaign in Penn's history," Gutmann presented her proposal for the incoming funds in video format to the alumni.
"We stand at the threshold of a once-in-a-century opportunity. The first phase of our project is to fill in the cracks where repair is needed and hem in the corners where tailoring may be done. Step two will be to sew together a new fabric of support for the general community. In the third and final phase of this momentous campaign, we will forge a new and lasting image of Penn as the bearers of the largest and most comfortable pair of pants the Ivy League has ever known!"
Supporters stared in bewilderment, as Provost Ron Daniels clapped with unbridled enthusiasm.
"Yes, Amy, oh yes!" ejaculated the excited Canadian.
When asked about details of her proposal, Gutmann seemed annoyed.
"What do you not get? What is the university's greatest asset not yet capitalized? BUTTONS! Well, specifically one GIANT button. It's obvious isn't it? After we repair the button, we'll need to put it somewhere. like on a GIANT PAIR OF PANTS! Don't you see??? Let me put this into simpler terms. By creating a giant pair of pants, the university hopes to attract the one minority group that hasn't made its presence felt on any campus in the United States: The Giants. And everyone knows that giants have gold. The time is now. The place is Penn. Join us," stated the President.
The announcement was followed by a spectacular laser light show.
