This weekend, hundreds of alums will be swarming campus, aching to relive their Penn experiences. Whether you are a freshman interested in hooking up with someone borderline too-old for you (unless you're fifteen, in which case, keep your mace handy!), a senior looking to relive your glory days as a freshman girl, or you've just plain run out of people to hook up with on campus, homecoming weekend is prime time to get some action. Don't have any game? Don't worry. Read on and learn how to fake it like the best of them.
* Have a long-distance boyfriend who couldn't make it back for homecoming? Try to appear single. It's much harder to get caught when your one-night stand is halfway around the world by the time you next speak to your significant other. Look for alums who work in I-banking and are only able to stay at Penn for one night. But watch out for the Street Sweeper.
* Girls, you're in luck: most alumni guys have reached the shocking realization that their prime is over. Swoop in when his self-esteem is at an all-time low. Tell him you still find him attractive despite his receding hairline. Trace the line seductively with your finger to accentuate what he's missing.
* Guys looking to score with an older woman this weekend should be on the lookout for surefire signs of a cougar: slutty outfit at the homecoming game (read: cleavage during the daytime means shes asking for it!), hanging out at MarBar (during the daytime means shes asking for it!), and no ring. If she couldn't get with a guy like you when she was in college, she'll definitely want to get with one while you at least are.
* She may be concerned that you are too young for her, so appease her by showing how not-fazed you are. One senior boy currently on the alumni prowl suggests hinting that you've got some experience. "Share an anecdote of a time you dated someone older," says our source, "but don't be too obvious about it. You don't want to be too young AND a liar."
* If she still seems uncertain about her reputation, suggest moving to a dark corner or going back to your room. She probably needs a place to stay anyway. If she's too blacked out to be embarrassed, tell her you have plenty of room for her friends too. Inadvertently lose the not-so-hot ones on the way home.
* Play to his homecoming nostalgia. Suggest that you guys go visit his old room in Hill/The Quad. Ask if he has ever hooked up under the button. Act shocked if your beau says no, and tell him you read in the DP that it would still count if it happens during homecoming.
* Having a hard time breaking through the crowds at Smoke's? Expand your search. Knock on every door at the Inn at Penn. When they ask who it is, say it's room service. Actually be room service.
Turns out, alums can be even easier to seduce than freshmen girls. And much easier to get rid of in the morning. Be sure to block him/her on the Facebook afterwards so you never have to see them or their now psychologically damaged children again. Luckily for you, the feeling is probably mutual.
