It was so lonely here on campus while you all forayed to exotic locales (Amsterdam; Connecticut; the Libs). We admit it; we were bored. But now we're back, revitalized, and two weeks off has left us with a lot to catch up on. So let's get cracking:
By his own count, the sexual conquests of a Batemanesque rower have surpassed the bicentennial mark, and lucky lady 51 appears to be the socially placed little sister of a graduated St. A's bigshot. This legacy, however, may be tarnished, as our (un)lucky lady follows a questionable no. 50, an exotic dancer at Club Wizzards. Our question: does Student Health let you bursar STD screenings?
Delving further into the St. A's scene, it appears one long-distancing sophomore recently introduced his visiting Princeton love to her "on the DL" Penn counterpart. Needless to say, the Princeton jewel now plans to frequent Penn more often. Meanwhile, the Pine-residing blonde continues her trend of courting taken men, shifting her energies toward King's Court to spend some quality time with a "loyal" Sigma Chi swimmer. Are we good people? Sometimes you have to wonder.
On a more comical note, RoHa ingeniously combined names recently to create yet another party production company, and threw their own party downtown at Club 125. Unhappy with the empty dance floor, a TriDelt senior engaged in her own episode of So You Think You Can Dance? As one spectator put it, it was like "Napoleon Dynamite met your great-uncle at a Bar Mitzvah." In her enthusiasm, the carrot top sent a shoe into orbit, hitting a local patron. Fortunately, all ended well for our dancing queen; numbers, not those of medical insurance, were exchanged.
Freshman antics continue: a freshman track boy single-handedly crashed a "child's birthday"-themed upper class(wo)men party before break. After flipping over a picnic table and stealing the piñata, the fleeing thief was himself whacked by a car. Despite not clearing the hurdle, our fearless runner shrugged off the car, fell over a few times, put back on a misplaced shoe, and was off again, screaming to his heart's delight. To borrow from an old candy ad, there's no wrong way to prepare for the Penn Relays.
Buffet style: Artsy senior girls' house throws birthday bash on Baltimore, eclectic mix of partygoers enjoy slapping Franzia bag. Freshmen table-dance to Backstreet Boys at Allegro's, prompt Greek Lady management's plans to acquire and redecorate Club Wizzards. raucous Mortar Board initiation leads to alcohol poisoning, douche-y South African delivered to emergency room covered in paint. Rower senior makes moves by throwing "blowout" party at his "Mansion." Instead, party just blows, ramifications felt for Sir Hammer-time senior co-organizer. DZine2Show fashionistas "Walk" it out yet again, spread vapid values just in time for the fall season. Pale Nimbus stages comeback tour in New York; Penn-centric Lower East Side afterparty full of I-Bankers holding onto the dream. Friendly zealots on the Walk warn of Apocalypse, distribute pocket Bibles. Street Ed-in-Chief goes to library over break; has no friends. "B" sticker epidemic reaches boiling point, perpetrator flees from angry Skull after tagging Delancey digs.
Overseen: biker clotheslined by "CAUTION" tape in front of Pottruck. Overheard: Penn escort carrying girl's FroGro bags and walking her home, asking her what she thinks of West Philadelphia. Her reply: "Oh, I like it. It's not too dangerous."
Now we look ahead, and just when you thought Sukkot was over, Homecoming and the Capital Campaign come rolling in. Devious deeds have yet to take place beneath these giant sukhas. er, tents, but with the hoopla building, you can be sure there'll be stories to tell.
