Oh, don't cry for us, Pennyslvania. And while you're at it baby, don't cry over us, either. We have our fun, but we don't mean to be mean. Besides, we can't shoulder all the blame. After all, we're just martyrs for the devil within. Within who? Our readers, of course, which in this instance appears to be. well, you.
You wonder why Penn kids get a bad rep. Well, on Thursday night, a high rolling Whartonite junior provided his own answer. Attempting to jump in a cab on daddy's plastic, he was indignant to learn that the driver didn't take debit. No harm no foul, but things escalated from there when he decided to respond by punching the driver in the head. An Ivy League intellect, to be sure. The cops arrived on the scene, and our protagonist proceeded to spend the remainder of his evening in jail. Unfortunately, charges weren't pressed. In the words of our beloved student section: "Hey! You suck!"
Meanwhile, the freshman class continues to delight us with their antics. With the House Dean away on vacation, one Fisher Hassenfield freshman spent the week peeing in the dormroom stairwells. Yet after three successful emissions, our valiant hero was spotted, leading four RAs to chase him through the hall while he sped ahead, screaming "You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!"
Yet that wasn't even the most scandalous news to make it out of F-H this week. That coveted spot belonged to one girl on the first floor of Baird, who left on "literally the brightest lights I have ever seen" while entertaining a male guest on Saturday night. Passers-by and voyeurs across the way were treated to a bright and steamy session of rassling that, for legal reasons, is perhaps best left to your own imagination. Next time, darling, you might want to consider blinds.
Making the Rounds: Senior Beige Blockers gather on sunny Saturday to drink in parking lot - it felt almost like a real college... Circus Bezerkus eats away at ATO's reputation, girls complain of scary masks. Over-excited senior Berkeley football fan ejected from Cavanaugh's after harassing Ducks faithful. Classy Sigma Kappa crush party interrupted by Pi Kapp "Night at the Roxbury" sophomores. Sammy's live band party quickly runs out of wristbands, mistakes their estimated turnout to be proportionate to their pledge class. Freshmen booted from Theos White Trash throwdown when asked if they knew anyone in the house. Their response? "What house are we at again?". Football team: really bad, still. Friars inductees cover campus in chalk, misspell "Friars." Sphinx remains sober.
Hide those tears, Penn. It's only October, and we've still got a phat endowment.
