Replenishing after a weekend of fasting during the most recent of high holy holidays, Stephen Glass is back just in time to watch the campus fall into bedlam without G-d's Chosen People. In short, goyim live out delusional fantasies of a Whitney and Bobby affair.
Ramses II: The Unchosen chose to get physical during the weekend exodus. First, one "Big Easy" Wharton junior paid for his sins at Zee Bar on Thursday, when he first bought shots for and then put his lips on a girl already taken. Getting wind of the scandal, her jealous boyfriend put his own lips on the junior. And by lips, we mean fists. Apparently, corporate ethics courses don't cover actual ethics.
But Whartonites weren't the only non-Jews suffering. A cubic zirconium-studded Sigma Chi senior also received a lesson in discipline from Blarney's bouncers, and most amusing of all, two ladies of the Asian Persuasion threw down tooth and nail in front of Smoke's last Wednesday. Belting threats (sans subtitles) such as "Let me go! I wanna scratch that bitch's eyes out," it took five "rational" girls to restrain the pair. Some might call it "that time of the month." But G-d knows better.
Smashed Manischewitz: The sanctity of union also came under fire this week, as erstwhile lovers struggled with the recently departed. Despite earnest efforts from one "big-haired" Tri-Delt junior to revive the flame with her Kappa Sig beau, the "big-headed" (seriously, he has a huge head) manwhore conspicuously rejected her in front of most of his brotherhood, on the stoop of the chapter house. Backslaps and yee-haws followed promptly.
Meanwhile, Egyptian Theos Senior grabs Party of the Week with his MBA/undergrad mixer at XO on Wednesday. Creepy over 30-something MBA contingent came out in full force to prey upon (mostly) legal undergrad girls, who switched into OCR mode and valiantly tried to network their way into the bastions of Goldman and McKinsey. Overheard in the bathroom: "He seems really nice, and he even promised we could practice case interviews later this week." But ladies beware: as one MBA astutely pointed out, often times the MBA stands for Married But Available.
Sodom and Gomorrah: Aspiring artist going by stage name "lovesguys" belts tone-death karaoke at Blarney's, ironically not in Pennchants. Red Sky upstairs restricted to the "who's who" of the inflated self-worth scene, non-VIP rabble left to sardine downstairs (although mostly people just sat outside). Bon Fires set West Philly alight, Locust Walk flyers provide the fuel. Marky Mark drops in at Pod, gawking freshman girls hot and bothered. Charles Barkley grabs drinks at Zee Bar, gawking junior boys hot and bothered. Visiting tennis team prospect hosts her own "open" on Friday and Saturday, plays with two boys distinctly outside her age bracket. Sigma Chi pisser spotted pissing outside of party by the five-oh; party gets broken up, but the pisser escapes. Meanwhile, a different imbecile gets arrested for taking a break in the driver's seat of the cop car. More urine: AEPi sophomore engages in blacked-out makeout sesh, ends up in golden shower.
And Overheard: Shwasted freshman boy trying to make friends with jaded upperclassman: "Wow, you're like the second Asian guy that I know who goes out at UPENN. Do you know Brian?"
The other half of campus is back and the mayhem (hopefully) lies behind us. Now we can go back to watching the Jews fall prey to the same devices. Shanah Tova. Vows are made to be broken, after all.
