Our time at Penn is filled with firsts: first dates, first Greek Lady gyros, first staph infections, the list goes on. See if you can remember when these things first happened to you. We bet you can!
My FIRST Food Poisoning at Beijing What can I say? It's so close to the Quad. 1 Wonton Soup, 1 Sesame Chicken, 1 Fried Rice, MSG included. I thought it would be OK, I mean, I went to Pottruck and did 25 minutes on the bike. It tasted so good going down. I knew something might have been amiss when my fortune cookie read: "You're about to shit your pants. Lucky Numbers: 4 63 27 8 45. Toilet: ??." I managed to make it back to my hall's co-ed bathroom before anyone noticed the stains on my pants. I blamed the explosive diarrhea on the foreign boy, Vlad, who never came out of his room. My hallmates caught on when I left my puke-covered monogrammed towel on Vlad's Yaffa blocks.
My FIRST Premature Ejaculation It was a hot night. The air was pregnant with sexual tension. After a philosophical discussion of Goethe's The Sorrows of Young Werther over a pitcher of Bud Light at Smoke's, I invited him back to my place. On the way home, he tried to hold my hand. I asked him what his name was. He reminded me. I promptly forgot. Once I signed him into the Quad, having yet another awkward conversation about what his name was, heavy petting ensued. He busted out a tube of lube. Apparently some like to be prepared. I wasn't prepared for what came next. 15 seconds later my comforter was covered in fluid. "What the fuck is this?!" I exclaimed. He tried to blame it on the lube. "Too much lube!" he cried. I told him I had never seen white lube before. His eyes began to tear. This was a turn off. "This has never happened before!" This made me feel special, yet still slimy. I told him I was a virgin to make him feel better. I wasn't. We had a sticky spoon. The next morning I sent him the dry-cleaning bill. I never heard from him again. :-(
My FIRST Shoot Out I was crossing 43rd and Locust, my arms full of Evan's Varsity Pizza and Steel Reserve, when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned and saw a group of SpectaGuards on the corner which only made me feel more frightened. The footsteps continued. "Rico, is that you?" I called, thinking my Mexican roommate had followed. No response. I fumbled in my pocket for my cell phone, hoping that the LCD screen would disorient the shadowy figure behind me. "Who's there? I took a preceptorial in Tae Kwon Do, I just want you to know that." And without warning, a figure grabbed me from behind, so I pulled out my glock and shot the motherfucker. My bad, Rico. I refuse to go back - I now have it delivered.
My FIRST Transition from "Passive" to "Active" Aggression I tried to be civil. It started off with Post-its. "Heyyyy Sarah, hope classes are going good. (Math 104 SUXXXX)!!! Soooo, I was thinking - maybe we shouldn't bring boys back when one of us is at our desk with the lamp on, working on a Management 100 presentation. K? Luv ya! Jess." I didn't seem to be getting through. The Post-its appeared in my trash can intermixed with her used condoms and empty birth control packs. Also, I found a joint burning a hole in my pillow. Drastic measures were necessary. So I IMed her while we were studying in the room. "We should talk. :/ ." She swiveled around and stormed out. So I did the only thing I could do. I shat all over her bed, laundry basket, printer, mini-fridge, backpack, and iPhone. When she walked back in, she read my newest Post-it: "I think the room's kinda starting to smell. it might be from your side. PS: I'm at FroGro, if you want anything call me! (Maybe Febreze?) Xoxox Jess."
My FIRST Urinary Tract Infection I think his name was Marc. Or Tommy. It doesn't matter now, it hurts just to think about it. We met in a Freshman Seminar and two weeks later, I was pissing battery acid. I should've known when he pulled out a Pi¤a Colada-flavored Lifestyle that it wouldn't end well. Denial lasted a few days; my roommate tried to comfort me, explaining, "Maybe you've just been wearing a wet bathing suit bottom too long?" though knowing full well that I'd never learned to swim. Finally, I had no other choice but to walk that lonely walk to Student Health Services and consult "Patrice" about my condition. "So, your cooter stings?" "I guess you could say that." Patrice shouted my symptoms across the crowded waiting room to her fellow Nurse Practitioner, Donna, and I was sent on my way, my urethra and my ego still stinging.
My FIRST Cocaine Binge LastnightIwassittinginmyroomwhentomcameinhesmyfriendfrommyhallfreshmanyearandwelivedonthethirdfloorofhillandohyeahhebroughtoversomeblowandwedidliketonsoflinesallnightlongandohyeahweranacrosscampustothisreallyhothothotgirlshouseohmygodsheissohottandsowewerethereandwestartedtakingshotsandtryingtohitonhersuperhotfriendsoneofthemwasfrommyhighschoolbutweneverspokeexceptforonetimeatmylockerwhensheborrowedmypenandthenitwassuperawkwardcauseIaskedherifsherememberedandshetotallydidntandthenIleftandwenttoanotherpartyitwasmyfriendjakesbutitwasntreallyhisbecauseitwashisroomatesbirthdayandItriedtogeteveryonetostartdancingbutnobodywantedtoexceptforconnietheasiangirlfrommymathrecitationsoinsteadbutIdidntcarebecausehsdfskjhsauandthenweefjkldsandthenIwentotwawaandboughtsomegumbutIreallydidntwantitandsoIgaveittotheguywhoholdsthedooropenandthenIwentovertothislatenightandIstartedtohookupwithmyroomatesexgirlfriendwhoIdeepdownsecretlyhatedbutshelookedsogoodinthosepurplestretchpantsimsorryImustbegoingonandonandonbuthowareyou?
