Oh children, children, welcome back to the playPenn. It's been a long summer devoid of dirt to dig, but now we're back, muckraking your shit for your own enjoyment. Did you miss us? We didn't miss you! No, really. We didn't miss you.
Invariably during summer, some of us take the time away from Penn to strategize new ways of penetrating the social elite. This year it appears the Castle is making moves. Not only has the pseudo-Euro/Jersey-frat taken nearly all the bouncer positions at Smoke's (charged, according to sources, with cracking down harder on fake IDs), but it also has a new off-campus house at 4027 Walnut. To guard and filter name-dropping, they've hired bouncers of their own, because, according to one bro, "We have an image to uphold." Sorry boys, but the rhetoric isn't working, even if the blow is. No matter what you do, you still won't be Owls.
Meanwhile, power couples are struggling to adjust to the time away - with several junior luhvahs taking the dreaded "break." Of note, one St. A's kingpin is back on the market after breaking things off with a girl from his Connecticut home. To celebrate his rekindled freedoms, our V.I.P. was spotted 'canoodling' at a birthday bash in Las Vegas with the birthday boy's sister.
Scandalous, yes, but not quite as conniving as the actions of one sophomore homewrecker, who has now been spotted making reportedly successful passes at not one, but two sophomore members of the "VERY taken" male population. Last sighting? Thursday at Blarney, trying to again pry away one swimming, snorting Sigma Chi wanna-be. Does the girlfriend know? It's the first week of school, and it seems the drama has just begun.
First week musings: Hilary Rhoda spotted at Smoke's on Saturday night; Dzine2show geeks out, continues dieting. Mischief afoot at sweaty Pi Lam; of-Daft-Punk-fame DJs 'secretly' spin until all hours of the night. Meanwhile, Pi Lam sophomore loses iPhone to prepubescent, gun-wielding cyclists at 43rd and Osage; Penn Police respond in impressive show of force, dispatch man in yellow jacket to 43rd & Baltimore.
Senior Thetas spotted making out (again); Maybe this pic will go up on Facebook, too. Enjoy it girls - next year it becomes awkward. PennQuesters out as usual in early semester force, the freshmen overstaying their welcome, according to several shirtless upperclassmen sources. Street staff spotted jacking handles of vodka from AEPi during NSO. Street: 1, Greek scene: still 0. Tri-Delt well-to-dos snag tickets to U.S. Open women's finals. Junior hipsters tap French rave scene in Northern Liberties, return with stories of a brave new world. St. A's softies spotted among Delancey refugees, checking into the Inn at Penn. Fire at their house too? No, they just couldn't live without AC...
And finally, overheard: pack of freshmen girls coming out of Hamilton court. "Oh my God. College guys are so much smarter and different from high school guys! They really care about what you have to say and want to get to know you." To borrow a phrase, girls, that's just the tip. Don't be fooled, because if you are, you have four long years to end up in the Sweeper.
