In our efforts to bring to you, the reader, the best Philadelphia has to offer, we decided to skip out on Fling and head to the Zoo. What we found might surprise you .
Perhaps the most startling thing about our visit to the Zoo was the apparent lack of animals. Ten minutes in, we still hadn't seen one. There were statues of animals (for parental photo-ops) and signs that said things like, "No rhino? The rhino may be inside. Please visit again on a warmer day." But not so many actual animals.
However, while trekking through the Zoo, we did observe a species all too familiar to us: girls in leggings and Uggs. "Omigod, omigod, what is that?" one uttered upon encountering the ibises (long-legged wading birds), some of the few visible creatures. Another replied, "They're ugly, I don't care." Survival of the fittest, indeed.
Further people-watching brought us to a security guard who rode around the Zoo, high above the peons, on a Segway. When we tried to surreptitiously photograph him US Weekly-style, he thought we were trying to snap pics of the geese and advised us to throw bread. Naturally, we did nothing of the kind. Instead, we turned our attention to a toddler on a leash. Pulitzer, here we come.
At long last, we saw our first animal: the tortoise. At first, we couldn't tell it was a tortoise because it looked like a giant rock. When we finally realized that it was an animal, we ruminated over the difference between a tortoise and a turtle. We came to the conclusion that turtles are greener and tortoises are older, though neither could beat a rabbit (or hare?) in a race.
Hot off our tortoise triumph, we skipped the Reptile and Amphibian House - we weren't going that wild. Journeying further into the deep, dark recesses of the Philadelphia Zoo (it was effing gloomy), we detected a distinct smell. You probably know the smell we're talking about. We'll call it "zoo-smell."
If you can get past the stench, we recommend searching out one of the few activities unique to the Philadelphia Zoo, the swan cruise. These paddle boats shaped like giant swans offer what is perhaps the world's worst marriage proposal spot - maybe second only to the Zoo's warthog dwellings.
On a sad note, the Philadelphia Zoo's one memorable exhibit, the elephants, is on its last leg. This is truly a loss. We so enjoyed heckling these mammoth mammals, we even got a lovely shot of one shaking its behind.
Our entire day was strangely marked by corporate intrusion. Case in point: the Philadelphia Zoo proudly brews Starbucks coffee, which you can sip as you enjoy the PECO Primate Reserve or the Dodge Wild Earth ride (hypothetically, since it obviously wasn't open).
So, go ahead - visit the Zoo. You may not see any animals, but goshdarnit, who wouldn't want to revisit the fourth grade? Just don't expect to get a cab home. We waited for a half an hour, and in the end had to steal one from a harmonica-playing man and his three-year-old kid. What can we say? Our animal instincts took over.
