To the Theo's junior: Try make sure your hookup is actually home before you decide to spend the night passed out naked on our bathroom floor.
To the sophomore in Simply Chaos: Stop stealing material from Comedy Central Presents. You don't want to end up like Carlos Mencia.
To the Theo's junior taking real estate: Try to make sure your hookup is actually home before you decide to spend the night passed out naked on our bathroom floor. Love the Sansom girls*
To the Beta Junior banned from my house: Man up and buy my housemate a fucking drink.
To Elijah: Thanks for coming last night. You were a hit!
To the 10 plagues: I'm really overwhelmed.
To Maror: SMILE! :)
To the hard boiled egg: You're a really great and appropriate symbol of renewal.
To Parsley: You are totally having your BEST WEEK EVER!
To Pharaoh: You're the meanest.
To the salt water that I dip my parsley in at Passover Seder: You represent both the tears my ancestors shed as slaves in Egypt and the moment I stopped getting Facebook messages from The Council of Brussels.
To my favorite storyteller: Stop telling people my embarrassing stories or I'll have to tell them about the time you drunkenly injured your ass on a toilet seat. Oops - guess I just did. Love, Your Secret Keeper
To the Seder plate: I get it. You're really symbolic.
To the girl who fantasizes about walks of shame from every major frat on campus: Nothing tops your walk from Zates as an x-mas elf last semester. Stop trying.
To our annoying subletter who leaves her 'To-Do Lists' on our kitchen table: Good thing you crossed off "RASH" the day before you hooked up with our sexually questionable friend.
To Asian girl who tapes psalms into her cubicle at Rosengarten: Are you lost? The prayer tent is right outside.
To the random guy who came with us to Mexico whose name we STILL don't really know: Please find other people to lurk around. You're creepy and you are friends with none of the 24 people in our group.
To the lads playing "beach" volleyball shirtless on Locust Walk at 8pm: Think about doing it at 4pm as well.
To the guy in the Quad: Your roommate and I lied to you - we DID fool around in your bed. Twice. Thanks for understanding while you were locked out in the hall.
To the Bright Green House: Way to have the most disgusting kitchen I have ever seen. Rat poison under the cabinets? Classy.
To Morse: I saw you peeing off your balcony at 1 in the afternoon...I threw up a little in my mouth.
To the tall wrestler: I'm sorry I pushed you out of my bed at 3 in the morning. I thought you would have had a good body.
To "The Moaner": Your boyfriend told you his walls are soundproof, right?
To my best friend: Please stop abusing me. The bruises are making people suspicious.
To carrot: April Fools 2008 is on. Love, dredu
To Ryan: I found my cat ears. Reverse bobcat, my place, tomorrow night.
To our neat freak/stingy suitemate: We hid dirty dishes in your room while you were gone for the weekend. Hope air freshener is cheap at CVS.
To the fat Rodin security guard: I'm sorry I broke a smuggled bottle of wine on your precious lobby floor. If it makes you feel any better, I had three more hidden under my coat.
To my finance professor: Can we get it on now that I'm not your student anymore? I won't tell your wife.
To Carson: I've wanted you ever since the first day of Ziv's class. Be my break-even price?
To the guy on my marketing team: No one cares what you have to say and we can't understand you anyway. Go back to India.
To the Jews in Rodin: Every Friday night in the lobby feels like the Exodus. Too bad you keep coming back.
To the moper: I cheated on you before we broke up. Still depressed?
To my favorite prep: When you run for public office, I am going to make BANK off of the incriminating pictures I have of you. Good luck getting elected.
To Evan: You're not my boss anymore - can we please hook up?
To the psychotic Latina who shared our cab: You underpaid, overtalked, and made us want to jump into oncoming traffic. And yes, we do know what "pre-gaming" is. And yes, Americans are allowed in Monte Carlo.
To the only hot guy at Penn: Why did you have to graduate?
To the sailor girl at Blarney on Halloween: Of course you can't compete with me. To everyone else there: thanks for the iPod.
To the hottie in my Math 115 class: The difference between a permutation and a combination is that "me and you" is the same thing as "you and me" but 96 is not the same as 69.
To the Upside-down Face Boy in Wharton: You keep saying you have meetings to go to. Why not get one with a doctor and fix your Upside-Down Face?
To Jamal: How you doin'? ALRIGHT!
To a certain DP employee: I actually liked you . until we fucked. I hope you're not that bad with everyone, or else you never should have dumped your girlfriend because no other female will ever put up with that crappy excuse for a lay.
To the sophomore girl with the Castle boyfriend: Maybe next weekend, don't leave your guy alone on Saturday night . he seems to forget about you after a few drinks.
To the girl in the Maclab that sang along to her phone before answering it (twice): There's no excuse for that. None. Even if your ringtone is Madonna's "Hung Up." Especially if your ringtone is Madonna's "Hung Up."
To the smiling Ugg-booted person frequently repeating regular Metropolitan Bakery salad eaters that never ever tip: Good luck with Management 101 and here's a Fall 2007 course selection suggestion: Manners 101?
To the FroGro Guard who draws lines on my receipt every time I leave the store: Why, why, why?
To the prayer tent on College Green: Bong Hits 4 Jesus!
To my short, lactarded roommate, who has no social life, drinks like a 7th-grade girl, and is more interested in studying feces than trying to have "penis-vagina sex": You will die before the age of 32. You brought this upon yourself.
To Penn Jews: You made me an anti-semite.
To the kid who got caught with pot brownie mix by undercover po po last Fling: Those pigs were gonna arrest our underage roommate for carrying some cases in public until you strolled by with a clear bowl full of the good stuff. Your fuck-up saved us a few fines, so stop by the PowerPlant and we'll have a cold one waiting for you.
To the junior in Tridelt who tells Argentinian lies: I wouldn't date you for three weeks with a ten foot pole.
To school: I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
To the grumpy old man who works the Rosengarten Reserve: I want to check out the Colin Firth version of Pride and Prejudice by swiping my PennCard through your ass cheeks.
To the wannabe Jew who thinks she is Penn jappy with her sole Gucci bag: Did it hurt when you let your Napoleon-complexed boyfriend stick it up your butt for Valentine's Day?
To the crunchy-haired sophomore in Chi O: The money that you spend on your nasty hair gel could be used to finance a Japanese straightening treatment. Try it.
To the tall, silver-haired fox of a linguistics professor: I'll be the chive to your onion any day of the week.
To the big fag in Philo with the big ego: Don't worry, you're never going to get that fellowship.
To the people who actually read 34st.com: Who are you? Seriously we get 3000 hits a week - WTF?
To the pledge who switched out of my recitation and blocked me on Facebook after we hooked up: I hope you don't have to go through so much trouble every time you cheat on your girlfriend.
To Penn titties: I'm still waiting for you to make your online debut. -Skeezy Low Brow editor.
To the girl who calls the police every goddamn time we have a party: You fucking zebra cunt. We have five weeks left in college. Either go to the library on Saturday nights, or just chill out and come get a beer. Maybe if you weren't holed up in your room like a leprechaun, you would realize that the crazy gypsies dancing around the bonfire are the dopest kids at this school. Get your life together.
To Kal Penn: Your last name is Penn. You're going to teach at Penn. What more qualification do you need?
To Big One: When I think about you I touch myself.
To the pointy-nosed Quaker girl turned Theta: I fucked your boyfriend. Hard. Twice. So has the rest of Penn's female (and male) population.
To the girl in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles jacket: I'll show you my hero in a half-shell.
To the vain foreign kid who lives down the hall: Just admit to your wet dreams about men and stop fucking all the ugly chicks who look like them.
To Matt Valenti: You are neither humble nor modest. Love, the world.
To the big fag in Philo with the big ego: Don't worry, you're never going to get that fellowship.
To the Oz senior who invited me back to the "late night" at his villa in Acapulco: I don't hang out with you at Penn, why the fuck would I fly all the way to Mexico to hang out with you?
To the Subway worker with the runny nose: Please wipe before you make my sandwich. And next time, take a fucking sick day
To the idiots in Hill who burnt popcorn at 4 in the morning, causing the fire alarm to go off: Next time, just set the whole thing ablaze.
To my hot bio 251 TA: When your growth cone hits my post-synaptic density, I want your vesicular secretions all over my excitatory receptors.
To everyone who gives my shit for being a guy and using the elliptical: My injured knee says fuck you.
To SEAS: Maybe if you inflated your grades your rankings would go up?
To David Grazian re. laptops in class: You teach the lamest class at this university. Know you place, bottom-feeder.
To the other hot undergrad in my lab. I want to take you in darkroom and fuck your brains out.
To the girl in bio 421 who mumbles answer to every question: Either don't answer or fucking annunciate!
To my mouse: That's twice you've somehow gotten onto my desk, eaten just enough to let me know you were here, and then disappeared. I don't know if I should kill you or enter you in the Olympics.
To the winds buffeting me around Superblock: Blow me.
To Laura Peoples: You talk like a complete burn-out and teach a class called "Drugs, Brain, and Mind," yet you say you don't use drugs. This is an Ivy League school - who do you think you're kidding?
To the couple exchanging sex for drugs in the handicap stall of Houston Hall: When I was standing at the urinal and one of you said "Drop you pants if you want the dope," I just about shit myself. Sorry for humming while youwere disrobing - I just didn't want to surprise you if you came out while I was mid-stream.
To the Philadelphia/Penn Police Department: nice try sending out two 25+year-old undercovers "from BC but taking MBA classes at Wharton" who wanted to know where to find all the "cool" bars that didn't card. This is an Ivy league school, do you think we're retarded? Stupid pigs.
To the blondie in my physics class. Your hotness gets my current flowing. If I weren't already in a relationship I'd love to hook up with you. I can feel the tension when we sit next to each other and I know you're attracted to me. We can wire our circuits in series or parallel and discharge our sexual capacity.
To the closeted Theos junior from LA, I saw you checking me out we were drunk on spring break, just make a move already!
To the Phi Delt senior who keeps striking out with Tabards: The only things bigger than your insecurities are your eyebrows
To the president of the alt-rock a cappella group: Let's jen-jet-up until we fall off the bed. I mean, the beat.
To all the people I ate acid with on spring break: I didn't actually eat acid and now I know all your secrets. suckers.
To everyone in Acapulco who saw me topless: They're real.
