Ah, spring break - the perfect chance to show off my Pottruck-toned physique while throwing money around like beads at Mardi Gras. Immediately upon arrival, I headed straight to the Palladium to watch the Dance with the Devil. Grabbed a Corona, did a few lines and I was there. Welcome to Paradise.
Not wanting to leave any of the comforts of home behind, I followed OZ sophomores to the farmacia to restock the villa. Great prices on over-the-counter cocaine, perfect for that 7:30 a.m. after-after-party. But the blow and change of location weren't enough to keep OZ and Theos from tiffing. One dance with a Michigan girl was all it took to ignite a fight between two seniors from the rival brotherhoods. While one Theos little bigshot accused an OZ boy of having a small member, OZ fought back by announcing to the club that this Theos senior "sucks dicks for grades." Maybe that jab wouldn't hurt so much if it weren't true.
But at least the boy goes south for something worthwhile. Not the case with one fiending SDT underclassman who provided oral pleasure in exchange for "free" weed. Weed? Weed?! Coke, maybe. But frankly, that just makes me sad.
As my Acapulco pharmacy ecstasy high wore off, I flagged down a Royal Carribbean cruise ship, where some unaffiliated Beige residents were dealing with an unfortunate run-in with fire coral. The jellyfish-ish had these boys stinging, that is, until their housemates urinated all over their wounds. Talk about house bonding.
When the cruise touched down, I hopped over to Tulum, where one socialite senior Jew was spotted disobeying tour orders and taking a forbidden run up a Mayan ruin to praise the gods from the summit. When the tour guide detained the group and called the cops, the offender plus entourage made a run for the border, the intrepid conquistador losing the police by ingeniously removing his shirt and donning a hat. I guess those gringos all look the same, but Jew beware: Adonai might not be so easily fooled.
In Cabo, I headed directly to Cabo Wabo, where AEPi vets were on the verge of arrest after fighting off bouncers who caught them snorting Ritalin in the bathroom. Ah, how very different the two coasts of Mexico are. Two nights later, the same AEPi vets denied knowing anything about the incident. This week, blackouts are the new black.
But spring break isn't the only week of shame. Right before break, Penn Police officers found a wandering fraternity pledge after a night of "condiment and Jell-O wrestling." Hospital workers questioned where the hot dog remains and dog biscuit crumbs in his mouth came from. Curious onlookers wondered just when vomit became a condiment.
AEPi pledges couldn't control themselves either, with one taking a beating from a Drexel freshman after stealing and returning her (yes, her) cigarettes at a party on Beige. Three sucker punches and one broken nose later, and the junior girls hosting the party decided the party was no longer open. Pledge reconsidering decision to call fat ugly girl ugly and fat, relieved he won't be the only guy in AEPi not sporting his "original" nose.
