Best Frozen Yogurt: Marathon Grill
Ah, behold the not-so-uniquely Penn creature that is the JAP. Official JAP footwear? Uggs, of course. JAP electronic? BlackBerry. JAP winter gear? Burberry scarf. JAP snack? Fro-yo. Obv. And where can one get a delicious cup of low-fat frozen goodness? Look no further than our beloved Marathon Grill. Not just a beacon of underage belligerence, Marathon also has some of the yummiest fro-yo around. While offering the standard chocolate and vanilla flavors on a daily basis, Marathon also rotates between cookies and cream, cheesecake and peanut butter (its most popular flavor, and for good reason - that shit is delicious). As Passover approaches, some JAPs may be asking: what makes this frozen yogurt different from all other frozen yogurts? Unlike those second-rate fro-yo places like TCBY (um, ew), Marathon distributes their toppings equally among bottom, middle and top of the cup. Genius.
Best Food Truck: Magic Carpet
Our best food truck category is humbly presented to the truck best known as magic. But unlike the "magic carpet" that might cause your mother to wash your mouth out with soap, this food truck produces a meatball made of magically mysterious ingredients. That's right: food-allergic types beware, because not even your anaphylactic shock will coerce the owners to tell you what they put inside their delicious balls.
Magic, we tip our hats to you. Your meatless food products spare both the lives of such baby animals as lambs and innocent calves, but also create unquantifiable amounts of both joy and elation for those daring enough put your smoking balls in their mouths. So, yes, we will go on a magic carpet ride with you. Aladdin and Steppenwolf would be proud.
Most Important People that No One Cares About: UA
The biggest part the UA plays in Penn's students' lives is bombarding their peripheral vision with pictures of people we don't know and slogans we thought we'd stop seeing in high school. Not only are these signs not clever, they do not tell us anything about the UA. What is the UA? What does it do? Anyone? According to their website, "The Undergraduate Assembly is the overbranching student government group at the University of Pennsylvania." Aha! That's where the nominees get the idea to hang their signs in trees! What avant-garde politics! Seems the only people that care about the UA are the ones trying to get on the UA. These resume-mongers are even willing to interrupt your pleasant Commons experience by asking you to sign their petitions. Have these petitions done anything? Oh, they did get us that great music service, Ruckus; that's really gotten Penn students' iPods racing.Best Boms: Best Bathrooms: Huntsman Hall
Huntsman Hall, you are a majestic beacon of hope for the advancement of modern society. Where is this most clearly reflected? In your exclusive, state-of-the-art study rooms? In your cascading, intertwining escalators? In your immense modern day Tower of Babel? Nay. 'Tis reflected in the gleaming bowls of your most opulent toilettes. Each of your glorious chambers of human waste elimination is an artful celebration of the bowel movement. A tasteful blend of classic tile and granite is accented by modern day amenities including automated flushing mechanisms. Streams of glistening water come straight from the Evian source deep in the French Alps. Sleek seat cover dispensers adorn the wall of each stall - just in case a Fine Arts major finds his way in. Each square of silky toilet paper has been hand-sewn by the most well-bred Guatemalan child laborers. Indeed, Huntsman Hall, your advancements in the world of business and soul-mongering can only be topped by the progress you've made in treating even your students' shit like royalty.
Worst Bathrooms: 1920 Commons
At first glance, the lovely waste facilities at everyone's favorite freshman dining haunt seem harmless enough. At first, you might notice that the floors are relatively clean, there's foaming soap and a full-length mirror so you can check yourself out before handing your Penn card to Miss Anita. But as you situate yourself in your narrow stall, you might start to ponder just exactly what else has gone down in (or on) this very bowl. After all, not everyone has the stomach to handle Commons' signature dishes, like runny eggs, dry pizza or that day-old yogurt. And judging from how that hateful woman who works the sandwich bar glares at everyone, you wouldn't be surprised if she had a massive stash of laxatives behind the counter. It's enough to make you seriously consider zipping up your pants and taking the trek over to Huntsman to get in touch with some less sketch commodes.
Best Underrated Restaurant: New Delhi
The point of an all-you-can-eat buffet is for you to feel like nothing is being denied you, like you can finally be satisfied, like your needs are of the utmost importance. At New Delhi, you shall be appeased. Curry-loving Penn students are seldom ambivalent about where they dine. Choosing between Tandoor, Sitar, and New Delhi defines you. And the converted Penn student rarely shifts allegiance. But New Delhi truly is superior. Here, the servers walk past with steaming plates of naan, and the buffet is refilled and changed throughout the evening. One item off the dessert menu is included in the meal, and you may choose from a grand selection that includes ice creams, barfi, kulfi, kheer, and of course, everyone's favorite honey-soaked Twinkies, galub jamun. There is a rumor that Indian food buffets put sodium bicarbonate in the food so that you get full faster. When you leave, you will be so bloated that you'll have to walk bent over and holding onto a friend for support. You'll be moaning - but that's what fulfillment sounds like.
Best Aisle to Pee in at Fro Gro: Cleaning Supplies
I know what you're thinking, gang - isn't it gross to pee in any aisle of Fro Gro (except cereal, because those Mixed Berry Cheerios looked at you funny last December)? But stop thinking about this rationally for a sec. Those bastards still haven't installed public bathrooms, so all's fair in piss and war. But whipping your ding-a-ling out at the hot dog and Polish sausage case is a bit too ironic, and there aren't enough security cameras watching the chips and dip corner to make it worth your while. Try popping a squat in the cleaning supplies aisle. Its pleasant ammonia smell is just begging to be putrefied. Bonus points if you defile all the Seventh Generation environmentally-friendly products; the treehuggers won't mind. Do they even use toilet paper anymore?
Best Place to Get an Overpriced Sandwich: Cosi
Cosi, an obvious choice for anyone not in the mood for their usual 1:00 p.m. lunch at Pod, has essentially the same prices and an ambiance that really can't be beat. The daytime scene is both chaotic and delightful. Whether it's the general confusion of where to place my order (Counter? Register? Just choose one and stick with it), the salad guy hitting on me by slipping me some extra free bread or DJ Cosi droppin' some hot beats . honestly, I can't help myself. That sandwich is delicious no matter how many +$2.50 "Protein Add-Ons" they charge me on my vegetarian TBM melt. I will order that sandwich, take both carrots and chips, and most likely never eat either. I will absolutely complain after each visit and vow to never return again. But I will undoubtedly be back the next morning for my squagel. And frankly, who cares that the guy will give me a ham and cheese sandwich? Because the most amazing part of the Cosi experience is that you always know what you're going to get walking into it - not at all what you ordered. And that's nice, because in a world filled with uncertainty, Cosi always has your back.
Best Place to Have Sex: 5th Floor Van Pelt Study Rooms
Some parts of the Penn myths are pretty laughable. Pissing on Ben Franklin? Not stepping on the Compass? Clich‚. But don't underestimate how far Penn students are willing to go to fulfill their most carnal of desires. They may point to the nearby button as the legendary spot for late-night coupling, but the 5th Floor VP Study rooms hold the crown for practical, uninterrupted loving. During the day, the East Side of the floor tends to get filled up quickly with earnest, hard working students working on whatever those kids actually study. But it's the same bookworms that, after a stressful day of work, need to let off some steam by showing that cute Psych major the true meaning of academic rigor. Just remember to keep it down, because even though the South Asian seminar rooms are quiet and intimate, the linoleum floor echoes like a mother. And remember, if you're in a pinch, the Kama Sutra is just one floor down (Call No: HQ470).
Best Place to Blaze: Bio Pond
There's a lot of good places to get stoned around Penn. The banks of the Schuylkill are always a nice getaway, the top of the FroGro parking lot is great both for its view and proximity to some (not so) tasty munchies, and in the spring, College Green can't be beat. For the adventurous, there's the high-rise elevators; for the rebellious, there's Rosengarten and Huntsman; and for the cruel, there's the windows outside the first floor of Pottruck. Business bitches and pre-professionals aside, Penn isn't lacking in quality digs to burn one down. But this year's winner of the illustrious Best Place to Blaze category, just like every year before that, and every year for the foreseeable future, is the Bio Pond. Because hey, how could it not be? Everyone and their mom, not to mention their random Indian roommate from freshman year, has rolled one back there. I smoked there as a pre-frosh. There's simply nothing like taking that anticipatory stroll back behind the Quad, with the Med students and those fine nursing women, knowing that soon enough you'll step into a world of beautiful hippie green. For the sake of variety, we could try to dish the award some place else, but it just wouldn't be right. This one's a Penn tradition.
Best Muffins: ABP
While box-in-a-box girl might have the best Penn muffins available for free, she was not the reason I spent a third of my dining dollars last year. I am talking about the best breakfast on campus: the double chocolate chunk muffins from Au Bon Pain. For a mere two dollars you can get a muffin that tastes like a brownie, but it's even better because it is more than twice the size. Plus, with 600 calories and 20 grams of fat, it's got way more to fill you up than skinny Melissa Lamb ever could. It is available at all four campus locations meaning, that you are never too high to go grab one. If chocolate isn't your style, there are 11 other flavors to satisfy your tastes as well as an assortment of other baked goods.
Best Muffins, Runner-Up: Melissa Lamb
Maybe ABP has good muffins. I don't know; I've never had one. But what I do know, and what you know, is that no one really cares. There's only one reason for this category, and one reason only: Melissa Lamb. While her 15 minutes of fame may have waned, any self-respecting muffin man knows exactly who this singing sophomore is. Much mystery, however, surrounds the muffins themselves. Complicating matters, however, is that few Penn men, if any, know what type of muffins Ms. Lamb has. Are they blueberry? Chocolate (unlikely)? Lemon Poppy Seed? Despite extensive Street investigations, our sources came up empty (read: private Facebook profile). My hope is for Banana Nut Crunch, but until the Sweeper manages to penetrate that box, it seems the greater Street world will never know. Until then, play on, playa. The best muffins on the market are priceless, and they're still up for grabs.
Best Place to Trip: Locust Walk
Locust Walk seems a misnomer, as the vena cava of Penn's campus experiences more tripping than Robert Downey, Jr. This is such a common experience that the beloved main thoroughfare has spawned multiple related Facebook groups including "I Trip On the Uneven Bricks" and "I Tripped On Locust Walk and Tried to Play It Off." As annoying and embarrassing as stumbling can be, this common mishap serves to unite Penn's 10,000 undergrads. Everyone, at least once during their Penn career, ventures down the tree-lined lane and inevitably finds themselves tumbling. It's possible to jump over the puddles, dodge the flyers and avoid the noxious odor from the manholes by Hunstman, but it is impossible to not trip on this red brick mess. The appropriate conduct when this mishap occurs? Obey Penn's tacit commandment: I shalt laugh at thee, and when I trip anon, thou shalt laugh at me. It all evens out in the end. In the mean time, just make sure you're sitting safely on a bench for the best view of your ex falling on his or her face, and chalk it up to karma.
Best Easy Major: Communications
Communications majors, you are the future. As the bitchy publicists and weekend-news anchors of tomorrow, you will no doubt contribute to society in a meaningful way. Your Ivy League degree will certainly come in handy when you spend your days texting Us Weekly editors about their "so totally out of line" Lohan coverage. (Quoting Lindsay when she's high is just not journalistically ethical - see Comm 339!) And think: where would our campus's level of intellectual discourse be without your scholastic inquiries into "like, the effects of media and stuff"? But Comm majors also learn outside the classroom, with nightly "field research" on interpersonal communication in bars and frat houses across campus. And let's not forget their aesthetic contributions: with half of Penn's athletic and sorority population among their ranks, Comm majors are certainly a good-looking bunch. Even professor Kathleen Hall Jamieson has been spotted around Annenberg experimenting with the unofficial Comm major uniform of Uggs, leggings and flat-ironed hair. With a major so elite, just one thing alludes us: why are so many manholes around campus marked with "U of PA Communications"? As if anyone would equate Comm and sewage! Well, g2g . got a paper due on the history of emoticons!
Best Place to Fall Asleep and Have Your Wallet Stolen: Van Pelt
True Van Peltians can't help but wonder if their home is something like E.T.A. Hoffmann's mines: a sublime underworld forever waiting to feed from its next victim. 'Tis perhaps a perverse thought, but to troll the stacks is to uncover a strange race: all feverish and deathly pale, eyes aglow with the fire of some dastardly secret. Take heed, ye who pledge allegiance to the 'Pelt, and never forget its dark side. For in the tempting splendor of its trap-veins there lurks a terrible, unspeakable fate, and it waits to take another captive. Or your wallet. Okay, forget the devilish sub-universe, but some too-trusting souls have learned the hard way that falling asleep means falling prey to the rapacious wiles of petty crime. Van Pelt, you cruel lover!
Best Place to Escape Penn: Rittenhouse
Picture the following scenario and tell me if it doesn't sound all too-familiar: You wake up in the morning to find that your roommate / socially insensitive douchebag / devil spawn finished the last bit of milk that you were going to use in your cereal, and you wonder why you ever agreed to sharing your food / apartment / the air you breathe with them. You check weather.com and condemn the idea of 10-Day Forecasts, when all they do is depress you and make you wish you had more seriously considered the impact of climate when you made your college choice. Your day only gets worse when you're bombarded by flyering a capella groups on Locust before you arrive at Astronomy to find a pop-quiz that will promise to officially murder your GPA. Fuck. At this point, what you need is an escape, and thankfully, Rittenhouse Square - at a sprightly 15-minute walk from campus - is up for the job. Though best enjoyed during favorable weather, Rittenhouse's Barnes & Noble provides a refreshing safe haven during inclement weather, with its caf‚, scrumptious magazine selection and clean restrooms. So next time you feel like throwing yourself in the Schuylkill because you're suffocating in the Penn bubble, just try to make it a few more blocks to Rittenhouse - it'll prove nothing short of a lifesaver.
Best Place to Get Mugged: Pine
Despite heavy competition this year from 39th and Spruce, 40th and Locust, and the sketchy northern cradle of this campus that is Market Street, Pine Street - yes, all of it - still reigns as by far the best place to get mugged. You've all heard the terror stories: "I was a block from my house and these guys jumped out of nowhere and pounced on me." Cry cry, sob sob: no pity here, people. You see, there's a reason we have this thing called walking escorts, and it's to avoid situations like these. But really, if getting mugged/having your brains beaten out of your head, and getting hit by a beer bottle at a frat party just won't cut it for you, then head over to Pine around 1 a.m., all alone, with tons of cash in tow. You may lose all your beer money for the month, but what you are guaranteed is a front page article in the DP plus a swanky story that will a) impress your friends back home, or b) scare the shit out of your parents. You decide!
Best Happy Hour: Mad4Mex
This place is your one refuge from freshmen trying to get drunk on your turf. Mad4 consistently calls the po-po, even if you are legitimately 21 years old. Hell, I've seen 23-year-olds have their IDs taken here. But once you enter through these gates to Margaritaville, you are in for a treat between 4 and 6 p.m. and then again 10 to 12. Mad4 offers up 64-ounce (fine, the Big Azz is only 22 ounces, but it seems so much bigger) concoctions for $4.50 that are exactly six parts sugar and twelve parts tequila. And why wouldn't you want to buy yourself type 2 diabetes and cirrhosis of the liver, all in one trip? The only major problem here is that after you finish Big Azz Margarita #1, you are super-psyched to try Big Azz Margarita #2. And by the time you've had #2, this means you've had enough alcohol to last you through a week of spring break in Cancun . good luck not passing out. See Best Penn Drug - Winner: Cocaine - for more details on how to beat this slump.
Best College Green Exhibition: Tabard Pledges
More exclusive than the prayer tent (not just anyone can walk in), more social, and less socially conscious than the Iraq tombstone displays, it's the Tabard pledges. If bag ladies had any access to couture, they'd probably look something like these girls. Sporting some rockin' green ensembles (pronounced "on-som-bluh" in this crowd) and tightly clutching those enviable, steal-able lunch boxes, the pledges are never more than two steps forward and one step back away from College Green. The girls are resigned to sit on the grass every day from Spring Break until . forever, it seems. Why would they do all this: deal with people staring at them, lose any rights to being indoors, live every day like it's St. Patrick's Day? I mean, they can't wear any spandex, unless it's green. And spandex is so in right now! But the Tabard pledges, in their hearts, in their souls, in their lunch boxes, know why they're doing this. To be better than you. And to get red-carpet access with Joan and Melissa Rivers.
Best Place to Check Yourself Out: Pottruck*
*Hottruck \hot-truc\ noun
Your b-donka donk body at the gym as best viewed as you check yourself out in one of the many, many mirrors, windows, or any other general reflective surface at Pottruck. Most generally in reference to things like 'smokin' guns' 'six packs' and nice 'buns.' Best captured when you are working on your fitness and in some sort of spandex/nylon blend (especially from American Apparel). Bending is highly recommended.
Example:
- Hey Pat, the gym is crowded today.
- Shut up and move, you are blocking my view of my hottruck in the mirror.
Related terms: Xtra hottruck - the act of looking at the reflection of your ass in the mirror as reflected in the window.
Best Place to Steal Wall Decorations: Amy Gutmann's House
One summer not long ago, Amy Gutmann took a quiet family vacation - deep into the heart of the Congo. On a hot day, just as she began to ford a stream, her forest guide Mobutu suddenly collapsed. Felled by a poisonous dart. Cat-like, she grabbed husband Michael Doyle and took cover in the nearby brush. She paused to think. Food supplies were running low; Michael cried softly into his rumpled safari vest. Dead weight. Was this an attack? A sound boomed from deep within the forest foliage. A Western Gorilla emerged from behind a Wattle tree, murderous rage in its eyes. Gutmann carefully weighed Mobutu's spear in her right hand and steadied her breathing. The gorilla lunged forward, but in only a second he crashed to the ground - dead. With its 500 lb. body for nourishment, Gutmann finally escaped to civilization.
So, young Quakers, when next Hallow's Eve ye enter the Gutmann abode, look to the East Wing walls and see the hint of fear immortalized 'pon the great gorilla's mounted brow. 'Twas Gutmann killed the beast.
Best Recent Penn News Scandal: Amy Gutmann Terrorist Photo
Remember the good old days when Penn scandals revolved around a transfer student's naked body pinned against a high rise window? Sigh. Apparently those days are long gone. Though this year's top DP news story involved a photo, it did not, sadly, get any of us off (unless you have a thing for middle-aged University administrators dressed up as scantily-clad storybook characters). To be honest, we would have much rather reprinted those soft-core porn stills than the shot of Penn's president posing with Engineering senior/terrorist wannabe Saad Saadi at her annual Halloween party. But even the DP staff had to admit that Uzis + prayer books + Little Bo Gutmann = a story that could get us on the local news. (And once the Jewish mafia - read: Hillel - started freaking out, we knew we had a winner.) Saadi soon agreed to an exclusive interview, and the DP succeeded in bringing a little piece of Gaza here to Penn. Cross your fingers for a return to nudity next year.
Best Concert Venue: The TLA
If the Electric Factory is the New York Yankees than the TLA is the Red Sox. More than that, it's that place you go so you say four years from now, "I saw them way back when .." So while the Factory's upcoming line-up boasts names like The Stooges, Joss Stone and Modest Mouse, you can still check out acts like Joseph Arthur and indie-darlings Peter Bjorn and John and a rare solo performance by Death Cab's Ben Gibbard in a more intimate setting. Add to that the old real estate adage, "location, location, location": the TLA is right in the middle of South Street (read: across the street from Jim's) and the Electric Factory is out on Spring Garden (read: not across the street from Jim's). Whatever edge the Factory has got in bigger names pales in comparison to the TLA's character, intimacy and proximity to the South Street Special.
