Across the country, liberals gathered for wine, cheese and gloating as President Bush delivered his sixth State of the Union Address. Nancy Pelosi made various facial expressions with her eyebrows throughout.
A federal judge nixed a plan that would have meant up to $500 million in payments to Katrina victims dissatisfied with State Farm insurance payouts. Kanye West is currently forming a tagline rebuttal.
Hollywood has come out in strong support of Barack Obama's presidential bid. The senator is set to co-star in next year's sequel "Barack and Denzel Tear Down the White Castle."
The University of North Carolina accidentally congratulated 2,700 prospective freshmen this week on their admission to the institution, although none of the students had actually been accepted. Neighbor Duke University is relieved there's finally something to distract from that nasty little lacrosse incident.
In the world of celebrities, Tara Reid's recent campaign to polish her public image went down in flames this week when a video of pop artist Akon humping her onstage was released. Smack that.
Meanwhile, George Clooney was caught making out with Pamela Anderson in a California restaurant. With the even more recent revelation that Anderson is dating San Diego Chargers long snapper David Binn, here's to hoping Pammy's been taking her Valtrex.
Mexico is facing a potential crisis as the cost of corn tortillas rises to critical levels. Where to begin, where to even begin...
A Pensacola police officer, on Look-Out Point patrol, was fired after forcing a topless teenage girl to do jumping jacks outside her naked boyfriend's car. The former officer has yet to molest young children, but Penn officials are still preparing to offer a tenure-track position.
Paris Hilton exposed (again) after failing to pay $208 on a storage room. Highest bidder gets prized booty: sex tapes, diaries, text messages, nude photos and, oh yeah, a video of her and her friends snorting a kilo of coke off some guy's chest. All available at www.parisexposed.com. Storage rent: $208. Paris hooking up with her sister: priceless.
