Your Winter Break, in review: Early returns have 2007 shaping up as a year of break-ups rather than reunions. From Britney and K-Fed, to JT and Cameron, to Whitney and Bobby Brown, sorority sisters have had plenty besides Rush to distract them from the rising death toll in Iraq.
Meanwhile, it appears Nancy Pelosi feels she earned some children in this last election, and she expects to spend them. Pelosi's multi-cultural youth harem made the front pages of most major publications, with several of the darker children prominently displayed in the Houston Chronicle next to a headline that read "Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid"...
Democratic takeover could signal big things for Senator Hillary Clinton as well. According to analysts, Pelosi's performance will shape the debate as the two women try to assume dual lesbianic leadership in 2008. No word yet on whether Monica Lewinsky will be in the running.
Closer to home, Penn's early admission statistics are in and they don't look good. Only 47 states are represented, and minority enrollment is down, with only 74 black students admitted. That's not even enough people to form a sorority.
Barry Bonds has apparently been at it again, testing positive this past season for amphetamines. Bonds has yet to offer up an official affirmation or denial of the incident, although one spokesperson said Bonds "thought it was ecstasy".
Also on the drug front, former Street EIC Jim Newell is now selling acid for journalism internships. His phone number is 443-223-6125.
Talk about seeking out social acceptance. Alumnus Peter Kuperman, recently spotted at a Theos rush event and a sophomore girl's birthday party (he brought tulips at 9:45), has pledged $50,000 to fix the high-rise elevators, but only as long as 5,000 students join his Facebook group. Apparently, Kuperman, '96, is yet to find a trophy wife to spend his money on instead.
In the world of film, conservative group Focus on the Family protested the film "Happy Feet," a tale of a tap-dancing penguin, for its subversive endorsement of homosexuality. Disney is gearing up for the group's reaction to the highly anticipated release of "Bambi Up The Butt"...
Toys-R-Us came under fire for denying its $25,000 prize for the "First Baby of the Year" to the child of an illegal immigrant. As an alternative solution, the corporation offered the infant the opportunity to earn the $25K working for five cents/hour at its central factory, through 2025. The child's family is weighing the offer...
And finally, YouTube sensation "My Box in a Box" was recently linked to Penn sophomore Melissa Lamb. Penn officials are optimistic the publicity will return the institution to No. 4 in US News and World Report.
