Some people go to Pottruck to shed a few pounds, while others aim to bulk up. And then there's everyone else: the folks who claim to visit 37th and Walnut for a workout, but are really only working out their hormones. You've seen them, and they've seen you. To maximize your pick-up potential at the gym, start with the strategic selection of an elliptical. Just line up next to the girl who is only five minutes into her workout, but hasn't yet broken a sweat. Then, make sure you bend down to "re-tie" your sneaks while she's flipping to the next page of Cosmo. Showing off that ass will score you points and you're halfway there. Pull out your sleek iPod uber-nano and the latest issue of Men's Health. And then wait - while ellipticalling, of course. Build up your pace to show that you're in fantastic shape though you really feel like you're on the verge of a heart attack. Launch that incline to its peak. But remember that when it comes to the come-on, it's all in the timing. She comes to a gradual halt, disappointed that she's only burned 374 calories from her 105 pound frame. You're content with your 132 calories because you were never here to workout anyway. Jump on over to the same paper towel dispenser as her. Let her hand you the sanitzing spray bottle with a subtle thanks and nothing more. Follow her to the water fountain/locker and let the petty conversation take you all the way home for some more raunchy/nasty/orgasmic adventures.*
*Note: The author has never been successful at either working out or picking up chicks. Use this advice at your own indiscretion.
