The Price is Right host Bob Barker to retire from TV after 50 years. In his farewell address, Barker declared, "The price is wrong, bitch!"
Local police report an increase in shootings in West Philadelphia as compared to last year. Aunties and uncles in Bel-Air go on strike.
Woman gives birth to baby without knowing she was pregnant. Preggers quoted as saying, "Wow, I picked a wrong year to pick up heroin."
Dumpster-raiding bear attacks woman. Neither Raiders of the Lost Dumpster nor Lara Craft: Dumpster Raider could be reached for comment.
New research shows that elephants can recognize themselves when looking in mirrors. Elephant quoted as saying, "Does this trunk make me look fat?"
A fan sued the Rolling Stones for $51 million after the band canceled their concert in Atlantic City, N.J., on short notice on Friday. The man testified that he can't get no satisfaction.
Apple launched iTunes Latino, which will feature Latin music, videos and podcasts. Rice and beans will also be available for download for 99 cents a pop.
A salmonella outbreak potentially linked to produce has sickened at least 172 people in 18 states. In other news, Johnny Knoxville has sickened people in all 50 states.
Pentagon mounts media campaign to defend Donald Rumsfeld from being criticized on the Internet. Sticks and stones may break his bones, but blogs will fucking stab him.
Japanese champ eats 97 burgers in eight minutes, setting a new world record. Wait, Roseanne Barr is Japanese?
NASA plans to send astronauts on a mission to repair the aging Hubble Space Telescope. No word yet on plans for anyone on God's green Earth to care.
According to an Internet monitoring company there are now 100 million Web sites with domain names and content on them. Grab your dick and double click for porn, porn, porn.
A new study finds that people in western countries tend to have more sexual partners than those in the developing world. The major cause: Nelly Furtado.
