To my well-endowed sister: Don't tell me I'm missing something and then stuff my bra with your dirty socks. You stole the genes for big boobs. Feel guilty.
To the kid that got his ear sliced: When I read the article I felt bad for the victim, but when I found out it was you, my heart was warmed.
To the sorority sophomore who did coke off my dick at Denim: I can't believe I wasted good blow on a bad blow.
To Jar-Jar Binks: Butt Gerbil is craving your return, please come home soon.
To my no-longer-virgin friend who tells the story: "So I wake up facing the wall and I'm thinking 'Where am I? Why am I naked? Whose hand is running up my side?'": Congrats on this milestone, babe. I'm sure he loved it when you yelled, "Are we having sex?" halfway through.
To the boy who said he wanted to sleep with his fingers inside of me even though he knew I had my period and to my friend who said it wasn't that weird: I want to set you up, you sick fucks.
To the beast I hooked up with: I had a condom, but I didn't want to have sex with you. I just wanted a B.J. And, no, I won't go to Wawa to buy some.
To the Owls: Lighting kids on fire and smashing them with bottles really isn't that cool, go back to Europe. Oh, and nice job writing your own Wikipedia article. By the way, we all know who you are.
To the Asian girl who worships Mask and Wig: You make all women look bad. Get a spine and get off your knees. Love, every woman at Penn.
To my freshman year hallmate who ditched me during NSO: You wish you were friends with me now. P.S. I fucked your boyfriend. I was wearing boots. He wasn't wearing a condom.
To Keg Man: The pancakes, eggs, and 72 hours of pillow talk were great and all, but next time, could ya just tap my keg? Thanks a bunch compadre!
To the idiot in the cab next to me: I'm glad you decided to reach out your window and open my door on the freeway - I've always wanted to hang perilously out of a moving car.
Dear Penn boys: I have grown out my hair and no longer look like a lesbian. Anytime you want to get the hint would be greatly appreciated.
To the Admissions Office: If you don't start making girls submit a picture with their applications I'm going to turn gay. Not the nice fashion-savvy gay, the creepy make-videos-of-me-with-little-boys gay. Oh wait, that's clich‚ now? So is our lack of attractive bitches. Fix it.
To the dude who's dating my ex-girlfriend: On the dinner menu tonight. MY DICK. Hope you enjoy the taste every time you make out, tool.
To the skeezer AEPi senior: Stop trying to be like your pledgemaster. We know that Humpty Dumpty still comes over to bone so stop denying it. Also, please admit that you secretly love Codd Tooper and everything that he stands for.
To my macroecon teacher who made us buy the book she wrote: Apparently you think "te" is an alternate spelling of "the." Perhaps you think my C+ is an alternate spelling of A-? Perhaps you're just stupid.
To the DP: You need to start printing the sudokus on the front page so I don't have to search. Don't kid yourselves, you're like Playboy: No one gets you for the articles.
To our favorite dumbfuck of 4049: May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.
To the Expert Breast Feeder: If the entire class wanted to know about your 17 children and the creepy Mormon lifestyle you lead, we'd ask. Kindly shut the hell up.
To the obnoxious Nebraskan: Silence is a virtue.
To my tall anthro TA: I know I'm short, but I'm gonna do you. hard. XOXO.
To the Sophomore sorority girls who always ask me if I'm coming to chapter this week: I deactivated in 2004 and I graduated last spring, so no, I will not be coming to chapter this week.
To the leatherman in Mask & Wig: I'm getting PETA on your leather-totin' ass. You don't need gloves in September.
To that Spanish-looking o-guard on the football team: You should have been a blow-job. Even your parents must hate you.
To the girl who sucked my dick and then proceeded to blow two of my frat brothers in one night: Not even a good deepthroat session will make boys like you. P.S. Sorry for cumming in your eye.
To the guy who dated me for the sole purpose of gaining access to my GMAT prep books and online syllabi: You'll go far in the business world.
To everyone who wants to know if Orange County (CA) is just like the TV show: Yes. And imagine how shocked I was to find that the rest of the country does not sleep with their girlfriend's parents, run to Mexico for something on the side, and hookup with their teachers. Loosen the fuck up.
To the Theta who everyone thinks is heinous (no, not you, the other one): That's a terrible nose job, but you stole my boyfriend, so touch‚.
To Management 100: Stop scaring the freshmen. No class that could be called "Event Planning 100" should ever feel that intense.
To the MD/Ph.D. candidate in my Chem lab: I want to orgo. All over your face.
To the masterful writer in my journalism class: Sometimes I pretend that you are Jonathan Safran Foer and I am Zadie Smith and that I am pregnant with our child.
To Penn guys: We know it was hard to get into this school, so why can't you stay hard to get into me?
To the drunk 40-something alumnus on Halloween weekend: Thank you for throwing me over your shoulder and carrying me down Locust Walk, exclaiming, "I've got myself a gold digger!" I loved the part when you stuck your hand up my skirt and screamed, "I'm digging for gold!"
To my curly-haired friend: Drunkenly making out with girls but only fucking guys does not make you bisexual. It makes you a slut.
To the religious guy who is really good in bed: Under no circumstances is it OK to cry after sex, no matter how mad your girlfriend - or God - is going to be. PS, your tefillin turns me on.
To every random black guy who adds me on Facebook: Just because we have the same skin color doesn't mean I'm attracted to you. Get over it.
To all Penn girls: You know what would look great with those huge sunglasses? A shaven bajingo. Enough said.
To the kid in AEPi who asked to be in BMOC, only to get rejected: Stay positive.
To Commons: You had no forks, so I threw away all the spoons.
To "A Saintly" ex-baseballer who tried to fingerbang me two years ago: Those fifteen seconds were way too long.
To the senior in Phi Delt who called me "Jose" while we were boning: No I will not roll over, you sick fuck.
To the girl in my anatomy class who picks her feet and eats it: I saw you. And I told fucking EVERYONE. Good luck finding that lab partner next semester.
To the guy in my stat class who keeps telling the hotty next to him about his eggs benedict: Stop acting so pretentious, you don't even have a subscription to the Wall Street Journal, I heard you just steal it from your building's pile.
To the guy who dated me for the sole purpose of gaining access to my GMAT prep books and online syllabi: You'll go far in the business world.
To a certain leader who might know how to serve and volley: Everyone knows you are the one that got Marbar raided, you dick. Oh, and tell your girlfriend I say congratulations for finally graduating from high school. I hope you die, muppet face.
To Nara: You're going down, and your sushi has herpes - Mizu.
To the girl who came home with me from the Penn Six afterparty: How many ways do I have to say "LESS TEETH"?
To the wind tunnel: Blow me.
To the Penn football team: Bum bum buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh ba-bum ba-bum, Bum bum buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh ba-bum ba-bum, Bum bum buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh ba-buuuuuuum ba-buuuuuuuuum Na-na Na-na-naaaaaa-na Hey! You suck!
To all the hungry tigers at Penn: STOP!!!
To my evil freshman year roommate: You lost my respect. Then all of your stuff. Then all of your friends. Happy now?
To 34th Street: I failed all of my classes senior spring so that I could spend another semester at Penn strictly for the shoutouts. True story.
To the Spectra Guards permanently stationed outside our house: We see you dancing when we play the Backstreet Boys. So much for your masculinity.
To the Indian really pro-choice girl: I hope you abort your first child and consequently become infertile and learn your fucking lesson.
To the chubby ex-lesbian: Why did you make me (and every unfortunate soul in our class) listen to how much you love women last semester if this one you were going to date an old male graduate student?
To Penn: Please continue to hire Lab TAs that are fresh off the boat. It's reassuring for us to know that we can always blame the language barrier if we fuck up.
To Tabard: Thanks for gathering all the retards of this school into one organization. It's easier to mock you collectively. Love, the rest of Penn.
To my Math 170 Prof: So you're a tad overweight - it's fine. You're funny as shit, so I'd do you anyway. It would be like a night in the sack with Roseanne.
To the big Jew I hooked up with during NSO: Sorry your roommates thought I was loud, I was just trying to make you stop.
To my friend who has been dating a gay guy for a solid year: Everyone else knows you don't have sex that much because you can't give it to him in the ass. Get a clue.
To the executive editor of the DP: although the acronym for the DP could be misconstrued as that of the Daily Planet, you are not Superman, so the next time that I am passed out on your bathroom floor without my pants on, please, please, please do not break down the door.
To the ex-LAX player in Phi Delt: 7 1/2 inches of pleasure? More like 7 1/2 inches of Planned Parenthood regret.
To the girl who jerked off the Kappa Sig on the Penn-Princeton bus: Too bad someone was in the bathroom when you needed to wash your hand.
To the girl who gave our housemate blueballs after only four seconds of making out: Pathetic for him, shameful for you, hilarious for us.
To the fuck that got rid of pasta at Houston: Sit on a spiky dildo-ended jackhammer while deepthroating my Desert Eagle .50.
To AEPi and PiKapp: Phi Delt and Beta called. They wanted to know when your next hot tub mixer is.
To 34th Street: How are we supposed to anonymously hate on people when you don't run shoutouts until November? Don't drop the fucking ball again.
To the blonde from Alpha Phi that I met at Mar Bar: You take stalking to a whole new level--looking at my friend's profile on facebook doesn't mean you know him. You should probably be arrested
To the Pi Kapp and his crazy ex-girlfriend: Fucking schitzos. You are both insane. Make a decision or I'm going to cut off your wieners.
To the guy who lives with three gorgeous girls who enforce a strict "naked policy": You lucky bastard, you.
To Irina Malinovskaya: Tough shit, huh?
To the Club Volleyball Sasquatch: You got lucky.
To AXO: The BMOC picks suck.
To the catcher's mit-faced female wrestler who goes out with the Neanderthal rower: When are Pebbles and Bam-Bam due?
To Cheesemonster: You're on deck for 4021 naked run.
To the security guard at the door of frogro who draws a line on my receipt: Why, why, why?
To the bottom-heavy JAPs at Penn who have stolen the skinny girl's jeans and leggings: The style wasn't designed with your thighs in mind. Thanks for ruining Fall's fashion for us. Return to your Juicy sweatsuits and the Spring season may be saved.
To the Penn Band Drum Major from Shittsburgh: What's that? I can't hear you. You're mumbling to yourself in our presence again.
To ZBT (the real one): Please in no way pretent to have gelled spikey hair, be from long island or be heavy coke users.
Love, Everyone.
To the anorexic girl who works at the gym: Good cover. You're REALLY fooling everyone.
To the girls who think 'Since you've been gone' is THEIR song: Stop going to Smokes every night and get a life.
To the country of Kazakhstan : Please send more potassium and pubis as soon as possible. We really need it since we are boycotting sandwiches and gave all our pancakes to charity. We will let you use our sister upon your arrival. Love, Tri Delt.
To the lame-ass mask and wig junior groupie trio: You don't have penises and you'll never be in mask and wig. Deal with it. P.S. Stop whoring up facebook with Mask and Wig albums and get some real friends.
To Penn females: No matter what you see Mary-Kate Olsen wear, leggings are never a substitute for pants. Put on some jeans. I can see your fucking cellulite. P.S. When you wear white leggings, I can see your skid marks.
To Sparks caffeninated malt liquor: You are the perfect start to a weekend and simply just a great substitute for Red Bull during mid terms. Thank you!
To the freshman girl at the Beta party who shat on my floor: Much appreciated.
To the boys of OZ: thank you for singlehandely making the world a better place, one line at a time.
To Stephanie Ives: Stop beating around the bush and just ask me out already.
To the annoying Wharton girl in my Tuesday Nutrition class: You fucking suck. Stop asking questions. I hope you get short bowel syndrome.Yeah, diarrhea for the rest of your life. Your friend sucks too.
To the Delancy Tri-Delts: Fucking eat something please. Periods are a normal part of feminine life, try having one.
To the Huntsman Senior taking 6 classes: Hopefully, with your future profits from all your hard work you'll be able to
buy a life.
To the guy who would only brush his teeth with that girl: WTF!? Honestly, what's wrong with you?
To the gay seniors hitting up the freshmen boys: You are my heroes. If only the senior girls had as much sass as you.
To Off the Beat: Your glory days are long over.
To Aileen Kyung Kim: I never appreciated you until you were gone. My inbox misses you. Please come back.
To the hot socialist girl in EALC-282: You are wrong on just about everything. Eat a dick. My dick, preferably.
Amy Gutmann a.k.a. Glinda the Good Witch: We get it. You were a ho until your skin started sagging. And probably thereafter. Message received.
To MessengerBoy: I was really down with all the rough experimentation. But seriously, your constant need to get A.P. was a bit over the top. P.S. My housemate wants a new pack of highlighters
To the smelly kid in my Chemistry recitation: You're not that bad looking, you seem like a nice enough guy, but you smell like ass! Please do us all a favor and take a fucking shower or ten.
To the holder on Penn's football team at the Penn-Princeton game: Your only job was to fucking catch and place the football for the kicker, some how you managed to fuck this up twice, you're a waste of life, Coach Lake could have done a better job. How does it feel to let down the Penn's entire student body? You ginormous fuck-up.
To the midget with the Napoleon complex: If you start talking shorter showers, I'll stop peeing in the tub. P.S. Go have buttsex with your manlover.
To Penn girls: You haven't been slutty enough lately. Chill out with the Conservatism and start spreading the herps.
To the Whartonites who think nursing is a joke: I have to let people draw my blood as part of class. Do you bleed for your classes? No, cutting yourself out of anxiety does not count. Calm the fuck down. Then call me, I came to marry rich.
To the toilet paper I stole from Commons bathroom: 6 ft for one wipe is not an appropriate cost:benefit ratio. I didn't even know they made single ply toilet paper. Well, I suppose we must cut corners somewhere to afford the food upstairs.
To my blue-eyed metrosexual Spanish 219 Professor: Let's drink Corona and make babies. You know you wanna. Llamame. From your true amor.
To the short jewish junior in theos (we are sorry, as this description really doesn't distinguish him from the rest of the pledge class): Not only are you not attractive enough to make out with me, you are not good enough to mack on any girl. Except jappy jersey gold diggers on a good day.
To my professors that give me A's when I don't even try: A part of me gets insulted until I realize that you are the reason I can graduate.
An ODE to our HOT CBE230 TA: Hana you're SO fine and you don't even know it. Coming from your sweet sweet mouth, even triple integrals are HOT. The moment finals are done we're so asking you out, all five of us
To the kids who are re-colonizing ZBT: This is a public notice that you are all a bunch of fags.
To Penn: Way to pull through on that wind tunnel project.
To the second-degree students in my major: If you sucked dick half as enthusiastically as you answer questions in recitation, maybe you could actually get a boyfriend.
To our male roommate: Stop being such a cunt and help us with fall festival.
To the petite Phidelt senior: Maybe if you'd take that hemp choker off I'd take you more seriously the next time we fucked.
To the lax players who take over the corner of Smokes: Either do me, or get out my way so I can get a beer!
To the girl in my Bio class who loves to hear herself speak: Shut the fuck up! You're dumb and those science puns you love so much need to go...NOW!
To the juniors that are still at penn: get off campus and go abroad where you belong you retards.
To the greasy guy in TEP: People are talking...maybe they'll have VIAGRA in Israel next semester.
To all of the otherwise-gorgeous foreign boys at Penn: Please wax your unibrows.
To the cross-dresser last Halloween: Way to free me from the room I was locked in and then lock me out of my own room. Going to get the lockout key in a bra and boxers was great, especially since I could see you through the window, passed out on my bed.
To the heavyset guy with the handlebar mustache who works at Allegro's: While I appreciate the free pizza every time I go in, the raised eyebrow and "Baby, you look cold," are not necessary.
To Sam: No one likes to hear you talk, especially when it's obvious you sat through the previous lecture so you could look smart in ours.
To the guy with the "size issue": I'm sorry I said, "Oh, that's unfortunate" when I saw it. If it's any consolation, I meant it.
To the creepy Armenian man at Smokes: Just because I won't make out with you doesn't mean I'm a lesbian. Did you really have to start a strip tease to "convert" me?
To Penn: Please continue to hire Lab TAs that are fresh off the boat. It's reassuring for us to know that we can always blame the language barrier if we fuck up.
To our roommate who stole the kicker's mojo: please give it back! Penn Football can't afford to lose again.
To the preppy Latin lover who hooked up with my roommate and puked all over our bathroom: Como se dice, "You're gross and owe me a new shower caddy?"
To the libertarian history teacher with the leviathan ego: I spent the whole weekend reading Hobbes for you and you yelled at me in front of everyone for whispering in class? I was whispering about what page we were on, and now I hate history and you you troll.
To my Management 100 professor: If I hike up your smoked filled ass instead of the Grand Tetons will I get an A?
To the senior in TriDelta who may or may not have heard about a AEPi-PiKap hot-tub soiree: Why don't you stick to falling down stairs at Smokes. Don't just apologize to me. You owe apologies to Radler, Dadler, and Madler as well. Your betrayed best friend.
To the girl that dropped out of Tabard last spring: it's awesome that you stood up for your principles. It's too bad that now you have no life.
To Wanda, Cheryll, Tasha, Pam, Vallery, Kimberly, Julie, Brian, Linda, Shamika, and Tiarra (the entire Starbucks staff by memory): you are the reasons I haven't transferred out or slept since September. I will always want my Starbucks staff like I want my coffee - lovely dark and deep. Love, Matt.
To my roommate that lives at the end of the hall: Your room perpetually smells like farts. Febreeze that shit.
To Greek Lady: Fuck you. Love, Allegro's
To the banana guy at homecoming: You're fucking sweet. I want to peel you all night long.
To my GPA who upon admission into Nursing & Wharton looked me square in the eye and said, "Fuck this, I'm outta here": After seeing the girls in the nursing school, I don't blame you.
To all the people forwarding me Microsoft chain e-mails: How the hell did you get in to this school? You're all retarded.
To the girls who went skinny dipping in South Beach: THANK YOU. No, seriously. THANK YOU.
To the Senior Class Prez: I'm glad you finally got what you wanted, Mazel Tov.
To the girl who claims she has never eaten a condiment: What did ketchup ever do to you?
To the lee's hoagy man: "Beep beep."
To The East Coasters: Quit bragging about how you love your seasons. I want your seasons the same way I want your women in bed: come, change, and leave. Very sincerely yours, the Californians.
To the girl with the knee brace: You are HOT! [Editor's note: Best shoutout ever.]
To the TA that shit in my bathtub: I am going to abduct and eat your small children when you grow older.
To SDT: install lights in your house. . .because you must all dress in the dark.
To all of the sweet dudes in Owls: you're like short-sleeve button ups. . .seriously not cool any more. But hey, stay confident.
To the Sansom senior girls: "Ano" is not the new look. Eat a sandwich.
To the girl in my human development class who offered to bring in movies of herself as a baby for educational purposes: The fact that you were serious is hilarious, The fact that you will be caring for my parents is not.
To the football player that sits next to me in 10:30 Stats: Stop cheating. I let it slide on the econ final last year because I felt sorry that you couldn't fit in the chair. But just because you realized you're not going pro doesn't mean you can jump ship and play serious student now. I've got a future to worry about.
To my girlfriend's fat friend: STOP EATING MY FOOD!!
To the weirdos in Philadelphia: The Eagles suck. And so does their stupid song. Stop singing it!
To that studly GA in Ware: Can I come to your room for some "guidance" later tonight? ;)
To my ex-roomate who "lost some weight" over the summer: You're still a cow. Stop wearing hotpants.
