You wouldn't know a classy broad if she took a dump on your head - but we'll give you the 411 on first-class flying etiquette, so the next time you're seated next to Nicolas Cage because of your last-minute upgrade, you'll know how to hold your own.
Hang in the Admirals Club beforehand with your fellow high rollers. Hit up the WiFi access, but don't look like a fool pounding all the booze - you'll have plenty more on board.
Don't avoid eye contact with those economy folk as they herd past you, glaring with their plebian eyes full of envy. Stare right back and smile - you earned this moment. You're a frequent flyer, damnit.
Start out with scotch and ease your way into wine. The "cabin" white is probably your safer bet, as airline reds tend to have a bite and act as an excellent nap-inducer. Order a Bloody Mary for morning flights and/or to complement pretzel snack packs.
Ask for an extra hot towel. Why should your face have to share with your hands? And for that matter, why should Left Hand have to share with Right Hand? Left's spent his whole life on right-handed desks with right-handed scissors. Left deserves his own hot towel.
Get to know the stewards/stewardesses/[insert politically correct term here] on a first-name basis. Feeling like a regular will enhance the experience.
Request a copy of the Wall Street Journal.
Alternate between different language versions of the same movie on your personal screen.
Mark the occasion by ordering yourself a Sky Mall Successory. You could go for the classic "Success," the inspirational "Teamwork" or express your inner-Whartonite with "The Essence of Survival." This picture features a lion in a grassy field and a caption which reads, "Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed . every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle . when the sun comes up, you'd better be running." Really make a statement by choosing the 22"x28" wood-framed and double-matted option for $149.95. Leave the $9.95 mouse pads for the losers in coach.
Once intoxicated, ask the hot flight attendant if you can Hammacher Schlem-her or him in the lavatory.
