Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens tries to kill himself by overdosing on pain medication. Sources speculate Owens mistook the pills for Campbell's Chunky Soup.
Dow to reach record high. In retaliation, Nasdaq trips on acid.
After a year and a half away from the spotlight, Clay Aiken returns with an edgy new look. Apparently a guy dressing up like a girl dressing up like a guy did not qualify as "edgy" enough.
Anna Nicole Smith's attorney, Howard K. Stern, reveals he is the father of her baby. Stern hired as "Baby-Daddies of America" spokesperson.
Singer Ricky Martin calls for help in fight against human trafficking. In other news, bon-bon trafficking on the rise.
U.S. eases ban on liquids in air travel. Fish rejoice.
Laser scanning reveals da Vinci's Mona Lisa had recently given birth when she sat for the painting. Anna Nicole Smith's attorney claims to be the father of her baby too.
Paris Hilton charged with driving under the influence. Looks like "giving road head" was out of the question for a headline.
