Hello. Some of you may know of what a free sample is. Some of you may know the extreme lengths that some may go to procure said samples.
If you rewrite the previous sentence and replace the words "some of you" with "I" you will enter a first person narrative about the extreme and somewhat embarrassing lengths that I or "some" will go to sample, if you will, free things. Or, you may not. I mean, find your passion.
The predicament: sampling vs. stealing. It is illegal to steal but perfectly legal to sample.
To the assholes who "sampled" my bike and my debit card: Eff you. To Seth at the cheese counter at DiBruno Bros.: No, I am not really going to a dinner party tonight, but thanks for allowing me to "test" out so many of your delicious mozzarellas. The world is a better place because of you and your ignorance to the existence of the sample slut.
Unlike your average run-of-the-mill slut, the sample slut has goals and meets them. She wakes in the morning hungry and with the determination to get a free meal. (Sample sluts often find careers as homeless people upon graduation.)
The sampler must be dedicated and focused enough to see past all leafy garnish camouflage that may be covering the sample. Inspect all tables and displays. Chances are something is there if you look hard enough.
You may be asking yourself: Why? Why make this your passion, your calling in life, the reason why you breathe air and appreciate the laughter of children? Well, truth be told, I cannot help it - I do it for others.
I would like to think of myself as a visionary, actually. I plan on marketing this idea to BIG people, like the U.N.
Imagine, I call up Kofi, and I am like, Hey, Kofi, waz up? I have this idea, okay, bear with me for a minute; it is a good one. What if, just what if, we give all of the world's hungry free samples? Am I right? I know you did not think of this one before, the free food thing, but, I mean, I am here for you. I got your back.
Well, Kofi, we call up Whole Foods - you should probably do the talking - and be like, I hear that there is a big market for guacamole in the third world. Seriously. Let's drop some free samples down there, see how it goes, they can try it out. You know, maybe a few chips too, the blue kind. People go crazy when we change the color. I think it could be big. Maybe like the next yellow rice, only bigger. Like penicillin big.
Bang.
There it is, the world's hunger solved just like that with free samples.
Kofi, I bet you are probably reading this, so give me a call. I hear Whole Foods is sampling the vegan cookies and mahi-mahi again.
You bring the toothpicks, I'll bring the ambience. Goodbye world hunger, hello sample table.
