When boys and girls get together, you should expect the unexpected. Pray for the best, but prepare for the worst. If you don't follow this advice, you might be dumped before your date begins.
Know her name. You wanted that girl at that party last night, but some time around 4 a.m., you drunkenly asked out her much sluttier friend. Just make sure you remember which ho is which.
Be clean, yet appear dirty. Nobody likes a pretty boy. Well, actually, a lot of Penn girls do. But I don't. So. I guess this is really more of a guide to dating me.
Lay off the wear Axe. Enough already. And besides, it's high time Patchouli had its renaissance.
Before you dress, caress. Listen, Violet Beauregarde couldn't keep her hands off that everlasting gobstopper for one reason - and it wasn't the tomato soup.
Never pair a T-shirt with dress shoes. Needs no elucidation. Just don't. Ever. Jesus.
Sport some form of outerwear. "Gee, Billy, I'm a little cold." "Oh, Suzy, let me give you my hoodie." "Aww, Billy. Let's go do it on my roommate's bed."
7. Plan something other than drugs as a post-date activity. I mean, unless they're really good drugs. In which case. heyyy.
Facebook-stalk. Use your FB knowledge to furiously research The Go! Team's discography on Pitchfork. Later, you can casually reference "Junior Kickstart," which will require less maintenance than that lie about not knowing your real dad.
Don't give a shit. However much you actually like and/or want to bang her, always tell yourself you don't give a shit. Maybe show up a little late, maybe show up a little drunk, maybe don't even show up at all. Indifference consistently puts Sex Panther to shame.
Be adorable, charming, witty, intelligent, compassionate and modest. Yeah. You're pretty much fucked.
