Adopted West Virginia woman learns she's royalty. Interstate relations go sour, however, when attempts to rename Maryland "East Virginia" end in bloodshed.

Birth-control patch label warns of blood clots. Blood clots pissed patch is talking behind its back.

Investigators find E. coli in spinach package. Popeye, a known germaphobe, dies of starvation.

A proposed fence along the Mexican border may have a 75 mile gap due to objections from Native American tribe. Gap pledges to donate 75 miles worth of khaki pants.

Singer Aaron Carter is engaged to Playboy Playmate Kari Ann Peniche. Peniche quoted as saying, "Wait, Aaron's the one in Backstreet Boys, right?"

Sean "Diddy" Combs encourages kids to stay in school. Kids agree, on condition that Combs permanently end series, Making the Band.

Penn won't jump on admissions' latest trend of ending early admissions. University releases statement, "F.U. Harvard, we don't jump for anybody."

Poison gas may prevent pregnancy problems. Scientists pat themselves on back for another "Useless Fact Day" well done.

Eighty-three-year-old admitting to being Nazi guard is deported. Later, Nazi guard admitting to being an American citizen is de-deported.

Chinese surgeons performed the first-ever penis transplant on a man only to remove it 10 days later. In other news, Ghost of Penis Past reported rampaging through Beijing.

Bill Clinton and Laura Bush team up to bring clean water to Africa. In response to their efforts, Africa demands Perrier or nada.

Pope expresses "deep respect" for Islam. Islamic leaders not impressed by Pope's use of airquotes.