Girls Gone Wild producers fined $2.1 million for failing to record ages of female performers. Supreme Court fined $6.9 million for failing to see the hilarity in underage boobs.
Russian protestors object to Madonna performing on a cross as a part of her "Confessions" tour. Yo Russia. Don't preach.
Anna Nicole Smith's son dies of a heart attack. In other news, Trimspa Baby!
Doctor in New Jersey replaces boy's thumb with his toe. In an official statement released by his doctor, "Some folk'll never lose a toe but then again some folk'll, like Cletus the slackjawed yokel." Sorry New Jersey.
Britney Spears gives birth to second child. K- Fed creates hit single, "Hit My Baby One More Time."
Minority Leader Senator Harry Reid suggests President Bush no longer speaks for the nation. In future news, Senator Reid is shot by Captain Obvious.
Chinese cars to hit the U.S. by next year. In response, Chuck Norris to dropkick China back to the Ming Dynasty.
Green tea may help prevent strokes, not cancer. In a related study, mayonnaise found to prevent impotence, not leprosy.
Harvard announces the end of early admissions. Ranking in U.S. News and World Report drops down to number seven. Oh wait.
Philadelphia ranked most impoverished of nation's top 10 largest cities. Mayor Street charters pickup truck to send all the poor people to Mexico.
New bird species discovered in India by amateur ornithologist. Avian Flu discovered in India by new bird species.
Apple unveils new thinner iPod. Steve Jobs encourages Nano to seek help for eating disorder.
