Today as I walked towards my new apartment I found myself unconsciously inching closer to what used to be my home sophomore year, the infamous High Rise North, I realized the chilling fact: I am a senior and I don't live there anymore. Suddenly, without warning, I was no longer my confident, well-cultured self; I was a cowering, wimpy, shadow of a person; in essence, a freshman.
After this near catastrophic episode, I couldn't help but think about my first days at Penn: the parties, the drinking, the (non)memories, the already fairly prominent awkwardness the second day into NSO. Ah, those were the good old days, when figuring out which Beta house was the one having the party was the toughest decision one had to make. But as I gaze around at all the new faces I find myself looking at them with a sense of sisterly duty. Where was that big sister when I was a freshman? Who was there to tell me that I should wear flat-toed shoes instead of heels to a frat party 18 blocks away? Who was there with the tough love when I decided Ben and Jerry's was the next major food group?
In my mission to right these injustices done by my predecessors, here are a couple of tips for you, new readers. 1. Never schedule a recitation for 9 a.m. on a Friday. I don't care if you think you can do it, or you don't drink, or you don't party. Foreign TA's are already hard enough to understand. Don't hate yourself even more than you already do. 2. Do not be tempted to go at free food like ravenous, starving lions; remember, "a minute on the lips means a lifetime on the hips" is no joke. Eat a carrot. 3. This one applies to everyone: ease up on Urban Outfitters, people. Flannel may be in right now but it won't be for long when the school starts to look like a scene from Night of the Lumberjacks. 4. NEVER utter the word JAP within a five-mile radius of campus. Remember, they run the school and should you rush a sorority, you will be shown the door before you can even say,
"Well my interests are.." Believe me, I learned this the hard way.
In sum, be all that you can be, freshmen, and follow my advice and know that one day you will be me, pondering your very existence in the lobby of the future Gutmann building and wondering to yourself, if I had only known.
