WORST PLACE TO STUDY ABROAD
BUENOS AIRES
It fucking sucks here. Everyone speaks Spanish. Who knew?
WORST FORM OF THEFT PREVENTION: FRESH GROCER'S USE OF A SHARPIE ON PEOPLE'S RECEIPTS
Though the pen may be mightier than the sword, it sure as hell isn't mighiter than a glock or a canister of Syntox nerve gas. If i want to hold up that supermarket, your puny sc hool supply will be no match for my firearms, you imbecile. And if I hold up a recipt for diapers and am holding 4 bags of christmas hams, scribbling a line isn't exactly going to put me behind bars. However, shoplifters beware: the marker is permanent.
WORST DANCE MOVE YOU CAN USE AT SMOKE'S
THE SHOPPING CART
Not that we have anything against the Shopping Cart. It's a nice little idea for people who can't tell their ass from their ankles on the dance floor. Here's the thing: my grandmother can do the shopping cart. She's had two hip replacements and a kidney surgery. FDR used to do the shopping cart and he was in a wheelchair. If you really want to impress someone, rev up the Lawnmower. Cast a Fishing Line and reel someone in. Whip out the Sprinkler. But please, don't bring that shopping cart shit. Even the 13-year-olds think you're lame.
WORST NON-TERMINAL AFFLICTION AFFECTING
PENN STUDENTS
HEARTBURN
You want some Cool Ranch Doritos? What about a cheesesteak or buffalo wings? Sure, tubby. As long as you can handle the feeling of someone tearing through your chest, grabbing your stomach in his sweaty fist, and just squeezing the ever-living fuck out of it. Seriously, have you ever stayed awake until the sun came up because you couldn't stand the excruciating pain you would get just from lying down in your bed? I have. It's hell. Sometimes, to get through the night, I pretend I'm Keanu Reeves in Speed, and that I have to sit up straight in my bed. If I don't, the bed explodes. This is what heartburn has done to me.
WORST PLACE TO SIT
THE BEN FRANKLIN STATUE/BENCH
Aesthetically, it's pretty damn pleasing. I'll look at that statue all fucking day. But there is no way in hell you're gonna get me to sit in the equivalent of 200 years of dried-up, bacteria-laden piss. If you're going to sit down on that thing, than that's your own business. All I'm saying is that maybe you should go to counseling or consider the option that you might be some sort of freak. You can smell the stale urine from the compass. I'm not kidding. Take a good whiff the next time you walk by and tell me it doesn't smell like an elementary school bathroom.
WORST PLACE TO BE LATE AT NIGHT
FINE ARTS LIBRARY
It's a fucking crack house. It has to be. If you've been there, you know exactly what I'm talking about. If not, thank your lucky stars and pray that you never have to see this. Think Dawn of the Dead crossed with Requiem for a Dream. I shit you not, I've never been more scared for my life. These people live there. They eat, sleep and shit fine arts (although of course not in that disgusting first floor bathroom). They've all been working on their masterpiece for weeks on end and they're angry as hell. God forbid you find yourself in the Fine Arts Building after dark, walk with a purpose, keep your eyes down, and talk to no one.
WORST BUTTON
THE BUTTON
Out of all the large buttons Penn could find, we get the one that's bent because its "artistic" and "modern." Ooh la frickin' la. Not only is this button stupid to look at, but the shape of the button conveniently functions as a makeshift tent for drug dealers, homeless people and even drug dealers and homeless people who aren't in Tabird. At least get with the times and gives us a zipper or something. God!
WORST SECURITY JOB
VAN PELT "BAG
CHECKERS"
Honestly? Is this actually a tax-deductible job? These "security guards" sit at the front desk at Van Pelt and check ... glance ... actually just stare at their acrylic nails and nod, maybe grunting a "mmhmm" as you stand in front with your bag open. Supposedly they're preventing books that haven't been check out from leaving the library. Ok, I guess that's a legit aspect to the job, but they lost their cred when I tested the system and walked out with a library laptop under my shirt. How about you look up from reading this and not be a disgrace to the Van Pelt Library employment system.
WORST FLOOR
FOURTH FLOOR OF
FISHER-BENNETT HALL
Is there a reason why the middle staircase doesn't go up to the fourth floor? You'd think after a year of renovation, the university would figure out a way for the center staircase to actually lead to the top floor. No, they force us to use the bitch-ass staircases in the unbearably hot corners of the building, so when you get to class you're sweating worse than a Russian prostitute at Disney World. And the elevator is slow as shit too. Man, fuck the fourth floor.
