The term douche is thrown around a lot on college campuses everywhere, but I think "the douche" has a special home at Penn. Here at 34th Street we satirize a lot of different types of douches week in and week out. However, the purpose of this letter is not to highlight the nuances between a "d-bag" and a "deputy douche," for, we understand them all too well. They are in our classes, at the gym, subletting our houses, living on our halls and stealing our oxygen everywhere we go. They come in all different colors, shapes and sizes, but they share one thing is common: the propensity to resemble a sack of vaginal fluid.
My interests lie in the origins of the term, and the douche industry itself. Moreover, how does a douche manufacturer sleep at night? What does he tell her/his children? "Well, honey. I manufacture anti-odor and anti-germ kits made especially for women that provide ineffective hygiene. Every medical text will say what I do is wrong, and actually poor for one's health. Also, our industry has become slang for pricks, schmucks and jerks nation-wide." Why don't the millions of victims of douching gone wrong come out? I want to see a class action suit against Summer's Eve. I want douche consumers to stand side-by-side and say defiantly, "No! That smell is still there!" or "I douched and I'm still pregnant!"
But those who buy douches remain silent. They remain silent because no one can understand why they would even consider buying the product. Something really freaky must be going on down there if your solution is a douche kit. Maybe I'll start stalking the douche section at CVS and suggest to would-be douche consumers to either a) bathe or b) stop sex with your pet, and the problem should clear right up. If that didn't help, maybe they should consult a physician rather than the loneliest aisle of CVS.
After some quick Internet research I soon discovered that douching is no longer just for women. Most kits can also act as enema kits. New unisex douche kits are marketed as "easy (and fun!)" and "great-value, good quality kit." Note: good quality is preferable to great quality in the douche market. Other douche products include travel kits with "anal spout attachment -- to ensure an even and accurate spray of fluid" as well as "plastic suction hook" that will mount almost any surface. The fine print later apologizes for lacking the capability, at this moment in time, to adhere to a camel's hump. Luckily, the cup can suck on every other surface. What innovation! This only leaves us with: Dear douche-man (a.k.a. douche manufacturer), keep up the good work?
