You know you're destined for the following Winter Olympic sports if:
Male Figure Skating -- You prance around in your mother's clothing doing interpretive dance only to later purge your sins using her bidet.
Male Ice Dancing -- The one adjective people use to describe you is FIERCE.
Women's Ice Hockey -- You're distantly related to Becky "the Icebox" O'Shea.
Men's Ice Hockey -- You're from a country where people have last names like "Khabibulin" that are actually pronounced like "HAV-ee-BOO-lin."
Cross Country Skiing -- You say California like Arnold Schwarzenegger and celebrate folklore of the Holy Roman Empire.
Male Doubles Luge -- You enjoy nestling your head in other men's swamp nuts. OR you enjoy when men nestle their heads in your swamp nuts.
Curling -- Illegal immigrants admire and envy the proficiency with which you sweep the dirt off your floor.
Ski Jumping -- You suffer from premature ejaculation, because, let's face it, this event lasts just about as long as you do.
The Biathlon -- Guns, snow and lots of testosterone -- so basically, if you're from Colorado .
Speed Skating -- You always wanted to be a freakish, giant-thighed monster.
Bobsledding -- Hey Sanka, ya dead mon? Ya mon.
