Round One:
HULK VS THE THING
In a battle of the big, ugly strong guys, The Thing slips some codeine into The Hulk's Gatorade, waits for him to relax and then crushes his puny human form.
WINNER: THE THING
BATMAN VS DAREDEVIL
Christian Bale, George Clooney, Val Kilmer, Michael Keaton and Adam West unite to lay the smackdown on Ben "Gigli" Affleck's South Boston, working-class ass.
WINNER: BATMAN
RAPHAEL VS AQUAMAN
Using his telepathy, Aquaman convinces Rafael to stab himself in the face with his own sai, thereby proving that all angst-ridden teens do in fact end up committing suicide. WINNER: AQUAMAN
PROF. X VS CAPTAIN PLANET Captain Planet walks up some stairs. Prof. X concedes defeat. WINNER: CAPTAIN PLANET
SUPERMAN VS. B & C
It turns out that Superman's true weakness isn't really Kryptonite. It's Kryptonite smoked out of a gravity bong.
WINNER: DOOBAGE DUO
BLADE VS QUAILMAN
While attempting to his use patience and intelligence, Quailman is stabbed repeatedly in the torso and then decapitated by Blade's blade. The moral: having a belt around your head will not prevent it from being sliced off by a samurai sword.
WINNER: BLADE
MARIO VS SPIDERMAN
Mario's ability to make a high-pitched farting noise when he jumps is no match for Spidey's ability to stand and wait for tiny Mario to bump into him.
WINNER: SPIDERMAN
JESUS VS WONDER WOMAN
Jesus catches Wonder Woman eating pork during Lent and knifes her.
WINNER: JESUS
Round Two:
BATMAN VS THE THING
Batman covers The Thing with a huge sheet of notebook paper because everyone knows that paper always beats rock.
WINNER: THE BAT
AQUAMAN VS CAP'N
PLANET
Captain Planet dumps empty beer cans and smallpox-infested monkeys into the ocean, killing Aquaman over the course of several millennia.
WINNER: CAPTAIN
PLANET
B & C VS BLADE
Blade gets so faded from being around Bluntman & Chronic that he gets the munchies, and forgetting his allergy to garlic, eats an entire bag of garlic pita chips and promptly disintegrates.
WINNER: DOOBAGE DUO
SPIDERMAN VS JESUS
Spidey shoots so much of that web shit down Jesus' throat that Jesus cannot spread the holy gospel... or breathe.
WINNER: SPIDERMAN
Round Three:
BATMAN VS CAP'N PLANET
Batman may have cool cars, sweet gadgets and loads of cash, but Captain Planet has THE PLANET. He can do whatever the fuck he wants, you idiots.
WINNER: THE PLANSTER
B & C VS SPIDERMAN
Spiderman flees in horror after walking in on a totally blunted Mary Jane getting Eiffel Towered by an equally blazed Bluntman & Chronic. Sorry Spidey, but Mary Jane and Chronic just belong together.
WINNER: DOOBIE BROTHERS
Final Round:
CAPTAIN PLANET VS B & C
Bluntman & Chronic got us so high when we wrote this that we totally forgot that duos are not allowed in the tournament. Bluntman and Chronic are disqualified and are now free to return to battling their archnemesis, CockKnocker.
WINNER: CAPTAIN
PLANET
