We understand that football is not everyone's cup of tea, so here are some fail-safe phrases to mask the fact that you know absolutely shit about football.
When They Say...
"I bet Hines Ward is going to go off for over 100 yards." "I enjoy watching Hines Ward excel at the game that he plays."
"Ten bucks says Roethlisberger can't keep his completion percentage at 63%." "I am a big fan of completion percentages. They tingle my scalp."
"The Steelers' Red Zone offense is unstoppable; they will never settle for a field goal." "My Old Spice Red Zone deodorant is unstoppable. Smell my armpit. Go ahead. Smell that shit."
"I wonder if Seattle is going to go with a Cover-2 defensive scheme." "I too wonder if Seattle will employ said scheme."
"If the Seahawks can get one touchdown, a two-point conversion and recover an onside kick, they may have a chance in this game." "Um... hey, look over there!"
Things to Remember:
1. If a kicker muffs a kick, it has nothing to do with vagina.
2. You may hear announcers talk about sacks and balls, but rest assured, despite the mustaches, coaches Bill Cowher and Mike Holmgren are not '70s porn stars.
3. Ben Roethlisberger is the one who can eat 100 pancakes. Jerome Bettis is the one who can eat 100 Ben Roethlisbergers.
4. Don't pretend to be a diehard Seahawks fan. They don't exist. You'll look like an idiot.
5. Seattle QB Matt Hasselbeck's brother Tim is married to Elizabeth from The View. If you watch The View, shoot yourself in the face with a crossbow.
6. Shaun Alexander was the league's MVP this year. This does not stand for:
Mom's Voracious Poo
Monkey Vagina Pirate
Michael Vick's Pubes
My Veiny Penis
