Perhaps the most noticeable change to campus this semester has been the reemergence of the 34th and Walnut streets corner. Now that Fisher-Bennett Hall has reopened, this once dominant part of campus has reclaimed its throne as the home away from home for the humanities-obsessed.
But there's no point in going over that building's renovations, because obviously no one cares. New paint, more steel, less Shakespeare. Whatevs.
No, it's all about Fisher-Bennett's partner in crime, Quizno's. It's become the sammich commissary for your post-course appetite. Indeed, the golden days of Auntie Anne's have passed. Pretzels -- who needs them now?
Then again, has anyone eaten at said Quizno's yet? Thrice have I walked into the new food court's flagship to the sight of an impossibly long, static queue. No one eats here. They just wait.
Don't fool yourself, this is a bummer, because Quizno's rocks the shit. I used to work downtown every Friday and would go to the 15th and Chestnut Quizno's during my lunch break. This was like, my thing. Its line never dragged beyond three people, and I knew what I wanted each time. So did the employees.
"Can I take your order?"
"Certainly. Regular chicken carbonara, a smattering of lettuce, and --"
"No mushrooms. We know, Jim."
"Indeed. This will do."
But I know none of the employees at the new Quizno's, nor do they know me. They don't know anyone. They know how to create a line and hold it in place, and that is all.
Fortunately, none of this will matter in the year 2057, when Taco Bell opens. But why belabor its delayed opening -- shit takes time. We all know that when Taco Bell does open, nothing will be wrong again.
I have a unique relationship with Taco Bell, also. My friend and I would drive to this Tex-Mex bastion at least once a week in high school and order six soft tacos each, subsequently destroying them without ever stepping out of my 1996 Buick Century. When I go home now, I go to Taco Bell. When Taco Bell goes home, its ass is wiped by God.
I long for Taco Bell. I pine for Taco Bell.
And I fear for Taco Bell.
Will it, like Quizno's, suffer from static line syndrome? Best to not speak of it. Imagine emerging from a tedious 18th century lit course with either Taco Bell or Quizno's on your radar, only to find that both are unapproachable. Holy eff, dude.
But should such a doomsday scenario ever occur, we still have the food carts. Mary will be there, outside Meyerson, making her meatball subs with American cheese and optional extra sauce, and this will never change.
It's all about the optional sauce, baby. Just get those mushrooms out of my face.
- Jim
