Penn's new security plan relies on heavy lighting. Low on key, high on back and low on fill to give murderers, muggers and rapists a pleasantly noirish aesthetic. Victims look forward to assault Fritz Lang style.
Penn appeals to bring back ex-prof sex felon. Task of bringing prof back to be delegated to 2006 freshman Theta pledge class.
Medicare woes take high toll on mentally ill. In their defense, federal officials consult Ludacris' Rapper's Dictionary for definition of the world "ill."
Penn Quakers back to losing ways. However, a true Quaker believes not in competition.
Adult diaper sales soar in China. Sanitation workers go on strike claiming, "unlawful dootie duty."
Government plans to repay states' costs through drug program. Dotted white bars on new roads to be paved with cocaine.
United States ranks 28th on environment, a new study says. First, in fact, if you leave out the other 27 countries.
