Osama's Corner is a new column designed to bring our readers an inside look at the life of the world's most misunderstood recluse, Osama Bin Laden. We kick off the column this week with an exclusive Street interview with the King of Kidney Dialysis himself.
Street: How does it feel to know you've made it all the way up the ladder right to #1 on the FBI's Most Wanted list?
Osama: To be quite honest with you, it feels f*cking great. I mean, I really can't even believe it. I used to be this little kid, scrawny, very patchy beard, no nice grey streak through it, you know. And now look at me. Or, rather, because then I would have to kill you.
Street: With all the pressure you must be feeling, what with your enemies hunting you day and night, your soldiers training beneath you and the holy quest Allah has given you, where do you get your strength?
Osama: I get my strength from three places: My gun (points to his pistol), my gun (points to his biceps) and my gun (points to his shlo*g).
Street: When Osama Bin Laden wakes up in the morning, what's the first thing he thinks about?
Osama: F*cking. I think to myself, Damn Osama, you're well past your prime, but look at you man! Any girl would be lucky to f*ck you. So, that's the first thing I think, but then right after that, I think about the mission Allah has set before me and I think about what I need to do to succeed. Each morning when I wake up, I know I'm not going to go out there and drop a sissy finger-roll, or settle for a 10-foot floater at the top of the key. Each morning when I wake up, I go for the boom shakalaka slam dunk.
Street: So you wake up every morning and play a game of basketball?
Osama: No.
Street: Oh...
Osama: Yeah...
Street: Osama Bin Laden -- Great terrorist or greatest terrorist?
Osama: Let's put it this way: you ain't never heard of Al Qaeda before me. And now look! We're everywhere! We got a f*cking McDonald's Happy Meal toy coming out! We're more popular than Jesus!
Street: Ah, the infamous John Lennon quote. What made you say a thing like that?
Osama: I will pillage your family.
In the next Osama's Corner -- The Bearded Butcher teaches Street how to belly dance!