Sorority rush numbers up by 11 percent. Pointy-toed shoe industry prepares for market boom.
Death of Turkish girl linked to bird flu. Sparrow sues for libel.
Chile elects first woman president. U.S. discovers first lady Laura Bush is actually a robot.
Undergrads at Penn still feel safe despite recent incident. Student who was shot, however, reports feeling "less safe."
Chaos in Queens as fuel truck flips over and explodes. Surviving truck driver claims he was trying to avoid jay-walking squirrel.
Spy agency data after Sept. 11 led FBI to dead ends. Bush counters allegations by pointing to nearby American flag and mispronouncing the word "nuclear."
Brokeback Mountain wins four Golden Globes. John Wayne rolls over in grave.
IRS investigates two Ohio churches. The Silly Accent Police alerted.
Hospitals say meth cases are rising. Wu Tang's RZA says hospitals are on meth. Awwww, yeayah.
Shelley Winters dies at age 85. At the exact same moment: DVD copy of old Shelley Winters movie gets scratched and stops working. Coincidence, or underground Amazonian emu terrorist network?
East campus vendors excited by Penn's plans for expansion. Low-income housing dwellers who will suffer eviction as a result of said expansion: not excited.
Gold prices rise and lead to increase in gold exploration. Environmentalists blast "Gold Digger" on repeat in protest to ruin of caves. In future news: goldminers run out of caves screaming "we want prenup!"
Olympic fever isn't contagious in Italy. But the Vietnam Syndrome is... the Vietnam Syndrome is contagious everywhere. Die, commies! What?
Senator Hillary Clinton runs for re-election while tiptoeing around 2008. Breaking news that everybody didn't already know: Hillary wants to be president.
Despite hints, Senator Trent Lott will seek fourth term in Senate. In related news: Lott supports segregation in school system.
Winds delay launching for NASA mission to Pluto. Mickey Mouse also stands up Pluto for hot date with Minnie.
