induction of
beyonce knowles into the communist hall of fame
Kimmel Center
260 S. Broad St.
Thu, 10 p.m., free
www.kimmelcenter.org
Beyonce sure has made her fair share of bling over the years. By releasing such hits as "I'm a Survior" and "The Club is Jumpin', Jumpin'," she's reached a level of capitalist success that even Andrew Carnegie would be envious of. But after a few too many encounters with her bugaboo, Beyonce has decided to throw in the capitalist towel and cross over from the dark side. Congratulations, B-dog, you'll be reduced to selling your fake hair to pay the bills, bills, bills no more.
Ghosts of Lenin and Stalin Iron Chef
hosted by Leon
Trotsky
McDonald's
3935 Walnut Street
Thu, 7 p.m ., 1 Happy Meal
www.ghostofleninandstalinironchefhostedbyleontrotsky.com
Iron Chef has surely produced some good cook-offs over the course of its 87-year television run. Jin Ye Chan vs. Su Mun Chi? Kim Wong vs. Dim Sum Kang? And who can forget the classic cook-off of 1942 between Jun Shan and Tan Shi? That one really threw the world of Asian cook-offs on its head. This Thursday's event promises to be even more exciting, as it pits the ghosts of two communist leaders against each other. Come for the food, come for the ghosts, but most of all, come for the communism!
Secret International Communist Convention at the International House of Pancakes After
Party
Auntie Anne's
3405 Walnut Street
Fri, 11 p.m., free
(215) 387-0337
The Secret International Communist Convention is the most secretive secret communist convention of the decade. You are literally the only person who knows about it -- it's that much of a secret. And directly following this Secret International Communist Convention, Auntie Anne's will be hosting an equally secretive after party at its 3405 Walnut Street location. For your entertainment there will be live bands, a ball pit, dwarf elephant rides, and a portable ice skating rink. Come show your communist pride and get sloppy on Karl Marx's tab.
Jon M. Huntsman Hall Demolition
Jon M. Huntsman Hall
3730 Walnut Street
Sat, 12:01 a.m., $5
www.huntsmanifesto.org
To the few Penn students who call themselves communists, Huntsman Hall embodies all that is wrong with this school... and the world. It is the anti-Christ, the giant, building-shaped weight keeping down the working man. Finally, after facilitating capitalist activities for a devastatingly long three years, the Penn Communist Union has received the six signatures necessary to demolish this hellish dome of self-indulgence.
Grand Opening of the Helen Keller Driving School for People Who Can't See Good or Hear Good or Talk Good
Helen Keller Driving School
23 S. 23rd St.
Tue, 6 p.m., free
(215) CALL-ME
Helen Keller was quite the trooper. She worked incredibly hard to overcome the seemingly insurmountable obstacles with which she was born. She was a trail-blazer, an inspiration, a role model to us all. She was also a commie. And she continues to spread her teachings and ideology to today's generation with the Helen Keller Driving School for People Who Can't See Good or Hear Good or Talk Good, so that no one will be denied the right to cruise around in their sweet ride. Even if they can't see. Or hear. Or talk.
North Korean
Military Fashion Charity Event
Houston Hall, Hall of Flags
3417 Spruce Street
Sun, 8 p.m., $8 on the walk, $47 at the door
www.nkmfce.org
If you know anything about anything, then you know that North Korea has been at the forefront of fashion for the past 30 years. What you may not know, however, is that Kim Jong Il is more than just a pretty face: he's the creative mind behind the North Korean military fashion line "Nuclewear." Kim says that he is inspired by the beauty of his People's Army, and started his line as a tribute to them. This Sunday you'll have the opportunity to see what hot new styles are coming out of N.K. at this fashion charity event, so come out and see whether hunter green is the new olive green and support a good cause: H-bomb research.
Ho Chi Miniature Golf
Putt Putt Golf & Games
5300 W. Baltimore Ave.
Sat, 6 p.m. - 8 p.m., free
(610) 626-5766
Miniature golf is a game of skill, confidence and determination. You have been trying to make the ball past that stupid windmill since you were eight-years-old and you just can't seem to succeed. The disparities of power between you and the windmill can be frustrating and discouraging. But fret no more. At Ho Chi Miniature Golf, you'll get a ho in one every time. Guaranteed.
Junior Class Reuben (Brosbe) Sandwich Study Break
Houston Hall, Bodek Lounge
3417 Spruce Street
Mon, 11 p.m., free
www.lameclassevents.upenn.edu
It's that time of year again. Time for all-nighters and adderall dealers to make 47% of their yearly revenue. It's also time for free food provided by your wacky Junior class president Andy Kaplan. This year they'll be serving Reubens with Russian dressing (straight from the motherland!) on several different varieties of bread, including rye, seven grain, 12 grain, 19 grain, and 25 grain. So be sure to come out, take a break from work, and celebrate every commie's favorite condiment: Russian dressing.
Mao Zedong Lecture on Mao-th Hygiene
University of Pennsylvania School of Dental Medicine
240 S. 40th St.
Tue, 6:30 p.m., free
www.dental.upenn.edu
Mao Zedong. Most people know him as the Chairman of the Communist Party of China for over three decades. Others know him as a loving father and patchwork-quilting enthusiast. Few, however, know him as Mao Zedong, D.M.D. As a world-class dentist who specializes in fang transplants in children, Zedong knows his dentistry. The Dental School is lucky enough to have him speak this Tuesday as part of a series of lectures hosted by only the most elite communist Chinese dentists whose last names start with the letter "m."
Existentialist Pancake Breakfast
Class of 1920 Commons
3800 Locust Walk
Sun, 10 a.m. - 2 p.m., free
www.upenn.edu/existentialdining
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It gives you the carbs and energy you need for a long, active day of sitting around and doing nothing but thinking. So what better way to start off your day than by sharing a stack of warm, delicious flapjacks with your buddies? Layer 'em up high with cherries, strawberries and whipped cream and prepare to pontificate.
Plato Play-Doh
Sculpture Exhibit
Philadelphia Museum of Art
2600 Benjamin Franklin Parkway
Thu - Wed, 10 a.m. - 5 p.m., through Dec. 30, free
(215) 763-8100
Plato was one of the most brilliant minds of all time. He stressed the importance of equality among men, despite differences such as wealth and social class. Now some of today's brilliant minds have crafted an homage to the great thinker. This revolutionary exhibit features hundreds of meticulously crafted sculptures created entirely of durable, malleable Play-Doh. The sculptures are meant to encapsulate and truly convey the wise teachings of Plato, and as such, all the sculptures are moving, electrifying and identical. Yes, each and every sculpture is exactly the same. Now that's equality among men. Even if the men are made of dough.
VietKing Kong screening
The Bridge
40th & Walnut Streets
Mon, 8 p.m., $900
(215) 386-3300
Much like the controversy surrounding Ali G and Khazakstan, VietKing Kong raised quite a few American eyebrows itself, and caused what is today an obsolete lawsuit between Vietnamese Hollywood (aka Vollywood) and then president JFK. The conflict arose from the portrayal of King Kong not as a big black ape, but instead, as a gun-touting, red-white-and-blue-wearing, Uncle Sam. Obviously, the depiction of lovely Americans was less than favorable and started a little thing called the Vietnam War.
I Love Lucy Marathon
International House
3701 Chestnut Street
Fri-Sat, 8 p.m., free
www.ihousephilly.org
Ricky loved Lucy in TV land. Desi loved Lucy in the real world. And we all loved Lucy in every realm of time and space. Well, apparently Lucy loved us all back -- each and every one of us, in equally rationed units of love. Don't believe Desi's insistence that "The only thing red about Lucy is her hair." She was a Ruskie-enamored, American-hating, card-carrying, communist-loving red. But she was also America's Sweetheart. So stop by the International House this weekend to get a load of Lucy's crazy antics. And sure, she may have some 'splainin' to do, but we love her anyway
Gatas Parlament
The Biopond
3740 Hamilton Walk
Fri, 7 p.m., $13
www.norwayraps.org
The Beastie Boys may have been the most popular white rap trio of the 80s and 90s, but, newsflash! It's the 00s and the only people putting out any good hip-hop these days are the Norwegians. That's right, Oslo is the new Long Beach, and rather than rapping about bitches and hoes, these angry Scandinavians are rapping about the revolution. The revolution and fjords. Unfortunately, Gatas Parlament will be charging admission to their show because they were stupid enough to spend $200 to rent out Biopond. They rented out the Biopond. Think about that one for a second.
Not-so-Secret Communist Meeting
W.E.B. DuBois College House, MPR
3900 Walnut Street
Mon, 9 p.m., free
(215) 898-4014
I know what you're thinking: "Why have a secret communist meeting at DuBois College House?" Good question. Simple answer: W.E.B. DuBois was a communist. Straight up. No denying it. He joined the Communist Party, USA in 1961 (wikipedia that shit). Thus, what better place to host a secret communist meeting than at his very own building? You can bring your friends to this meeting, so invite them to tag along because some say that they can feel the presence of DuBois's communist spirit in the building. He might just convert even the most capitalist capitalist into a supporter of the common good.
Very Secret
Communist Meeting
Van Pelt Library, 4th floor women's bathroom
3420 Walnut Street
Wed, 10:32 p.m., free
(215) 898-7555
It doesn't get a whole lot more secret than this, my friends. Van Pelt. Fourth floor. Women's. Bathroom. It'll only hold, like, five people, so even if you leaked this info, your communist-wannabe friends couldn't even get in. Don't even try it. This is a secret. Like when DJ Tanner got all pissed that Kimmy told her crush that she liked him and then DJ wouldn't talk to Kimmy for a week. It'll be like that if you leak this one.
Small, Selective, Elite, Secret Meeting for an Exclusive Few
Jon M. Huntsman Hall Enormous Auditorium G06
3730 Walnut Street
TBA, TBA p.m., free
(215) 898-1292
---
This secret meeting will be the most selective of them all. Only those participants specifically handpicked and selected to attend this secret meeting will be admitted. Capitalist America will be brought down from the inside out, starting where they breed the next generation. The meeting will take place in the Huntsman Hall Auditorium. Hopefully space will
suffice.
