The People's Republic of Street Film recently sat down for a conference call with the man, the myth and the legend, Fidel Castro, to talk about werewolves, dominos and his upcoming musical production Springtime for Castro. The following interview was edited for maximum happiness, equality and pro-state sentiment.
People's Republic of Street Film: Fidel, comrade, bubelah, what can we look forward to from the state-run media in the upcoming holiday season?
Cuban President Fidel Castro: Well, comrade, I have some exciting new projects coming up from the Ministry of Propaganda. We have a romantic comedy coming out this month called I Love My Free Health Care; I think that one is going to win a bunch of Fidels. The movie that I'm most looking forward to is a theatrical musical in honor of yours truly called Springtime for Castro. Tim Robbins plays the title role of Fidel Castro, a dashing young revolutionary with a simple dream: long beards and huge cigars for every man, woman and child.
You've decided to take a big leap going from the role of ruthless dictator to that of musical director. Can you talk about what the transition has been like?
As you know, for Springtime, I am directing, writing, producing, choreographing, best boying and making a special cameo in a touching scene where I play Jesus. I come down and bless the young Fidel for all the wonderful things he does for the Cuban people. So the transition to filmmaker has been easy. As dictator, I rule people with an iron fist, and as director I pretty much do the same thing.
So you're choreographing the dance numbers and writing all the music? How about a preview of the best songs in the show?
Well, I love all the songs equally, because I'm all about equality, baby. Some of the most equal songs in Springtime for Castro are "I Want a Three Hour Work Day," "Religion Sucks," "Those Capitalist Pigs Will Pay For Their Crimes," "Elian Gonzalez, Sit In My Lap!" and "Bombs In My Backyard (Cuban Missile Salsa Dance)." My inspiration was Michael Jackson's moves in his song-and-dance routines, and that's where the idea for the werewolf came from.
Did you say werewolf?
You'll have to see the movie to find out, but, uh...let's just say that things get a little hairy once Robin Williams enters the frame.
Oh, Comandante, you're so charming. We shower you with kisses and tamales and plantains. We heard rumors that there was a fire on the set during filming. What happened?
Oh, the fire! [chuckles] Again, in a tip of the hat to Michael Jackson, you remember how his hair caught fire when he made that commercial for Pepsi? Well, I thought it was just amazing so I started having all my minions light themselves on fire. Holy shit, what a fuckin' riot it was that day. I think some people might have died, but I left before the fire department came to go watch Seinfeld. That George Costanza is so, how do you say...el rey de los idiotas!
What do you hope that people take away from Springtime?
I hope that viewers take away two main points: first, that I'm freakin' amazing, and second, if you rise up against me you will be crushed.
What kind of bonus features can we find on the DVD release?
The usual stuff, you know, deleted scenes, outtakes of my flaming minions, a running commentary with myself, Stalin, Lenin, Kruschev, Chairman Mao and Gary Coleman. I also collaborated with Fatboy Slim to make a remix video of that time when I fell off the stage. Remember that? [laughs] Everyone still cheered for me because I'm the best.
Now that production of Springtime is finished, what do you plan on doing next?
Over the "Death to Christmas Break" I'm going yachting with Sean Penn and Matt Damon; we plan on cruising into Havana and picking up some sexy Latina ladies. After that I plan on going pro in the Cuban Dominos League and then crushing all political dissent. Next spring we're starting production of a Ken Burns documentary entitled Why the Hell Do All of Our Baseball Players Keep Leaving?
Do you have anyone in America that you'd like to say hello to?
Jane Fonda...keep those buns tight, baby! I loved her in Monster-In-Law. Also to the refugee bastards who left during my reign of bitchin' awesomeness: I hope non-God gives you the avian flu! Castro out.
Springtime for Castro will be playing constantly in all state-run movie theaters starting next Friday.
