In case you children forgot, or never knew, I died last year. Yep, even the ol' gipper himself succumbs. That's me by the way, the gipper -- I used to be in pictures.
I was then President of this land of plenty, this land of Pilgrims and Thanksgiving and gorgeous hills and cranberries. I made poor people get jobs. People are only poor because they don't have jobs, and I got them jobs. Good jobs, good foundation, good life, disposable income, Jesus, children, babies -- I'm wetting myself. These things do an American make.
Why can't you ruffians, you ignoramuses, you goddamn commies think the same?
This magazine has always been consumed with the filthiest of smut, but now you've gone red! Go back to Red Berkeley, with your homosexual beatnik comrades. Capitalism will prevail, and you will die unmercifully at the hands of Jesus Christ.
You Russkie-wannabes are the reason for (in this order): CNN, CNN.com, Buddhism, MySpace, impotence, Coldplay, chicken cheese steaks, 1968, cancer, Terrell Owens and that glutton, Michael Moore. Oh, how I abhor that Michael Moore.
I killed the Soviets, don't you know this? I liberated Europe - with trade! "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" That's what I said to that Bolshevik, Gorbachev. Didn't trust him for shit.
God, I love myself. "The Great Communicator," you know -- that was self-applied. Bet you didn't know that.
I used to be like you commies, too. Bet you didn't know that either. I was, dare I say, "liberal," back in my sporting youth. You know what happened then? I was starring in a movie, around '52, '53, and this homosexual director approached me in a sexual manner. From then on, I've hated communists and minorities.
34th Street, or whatever you call yourselves now, I must ask you before I leave: what do you hope to gain as communists?
Private property ... I love private property. You children may not know this, but communism means no private property. You kids go to Penn, so you've got money. Michael Moore, Tim Robbins and the homosexuals are going to take it from you and give it to poor people. Dirty, smelly poor people. Where's your Marx now?
The Internet -- the communists will steal the Internet. Kim Jong-il stole his people's Internet. Mao Zedong ... Tse dong ... Tsedung -- whatever the shit it is, I don't get these foreign names -- yeah, Mao would've done the same. How will you function without your precious Google, that esteemed engine of search? And this facebook, where you post lewd photos of debauchery? What about pornography? What about it?
So Street, I urge you: tear down this magazine! I love that.
As for me, well, I'm expected back in Hell any minute now.
- R.R.
