Every year, eager freshmen squabble for seats at Irvine for the Penn Safety Video by the Penn Campus Police. The video begins with wonderful vistas of Locust Walk, and the other thoroughfares of bustling college activity. The narrative then shifts to a wide-angle shot of the Penn Campus Police Building on the corner of Chestnut & Where-the-fuck-is-that. The rectangular, blandly-colored building introduces viewers to Penn's plain, no-nonsense security methods. The throwback neon lighting suggests the authenticity of Penn's commitment to undergraduate safety. Next, the video takes a suspenseful turn, interviewing shadowed administrators with encrypted artificial voices to protect their identities, who reveal the workings of the Penn security system, on the "DL." Many of those interviewed admit the imperfections of any security system, warning students not to take any unnecessary risks such as "walking outdoors" or "breathing loudly." Though standard advice, the administrators' condescending air of bureaucratic weariness puts students at ease. Students are told that a blue phone can be seen anywhere on campus and if they click their heals three times they will be transported to the nearest one. The climactic scene demonstrates a student picking up a blue phone with perfect technique, reassuring the freshmen that "if they can't pick up a damn phone they deserve to be followed." The video ends with stirring speeches of inspiration by security leaders and a final message, Ben Franklin's famous speech that those who trade liberty for greater security deserve neither.
Throughout the film I found myself torn between the seeming grandeur of Penn's formidable campus security system and the actual police headquarters. What is the innocent viewer meant to believe? Also, where are the students' faces? I envision an epic romance, a student protagonist in love with a renagade Penn cop, struggling to fight a campus crime war and stay together against all odds. Instead, I am lost in the documentary format. Does anybody really listen to administrators anyway? The only emotionally powerful scene is, of course, the blue phone simulation which ends quite dully. And ending the film with Ben Franklin? Come on, that quote doesn't even make sense -- basically Penn's saying that it's alright to be a pussy because then you support 'liberty.' Overall, though, this is an inspiring film that is sure to leave an indelible mark on Penn's psyche if not its register of accuracy.
