This is it. The end. In 24 days -- a mere 576 hours -- I, with the rest of my class, will graduate. In 24 days it will no longer be appropriate to puke up vodka cranberry for four hours on a Friday morning. Waking up next to a stranger every Wednesday will be considered atrociously slutty and leaving empty jugs of Carlo Rossi filled with cigarette butts on your floor for a month will seem slovenly. In other words, in less than one month, we have to say goodbye to four years of dirty, disgusting, carefree, wonderful self-indulgence and consider finding gainful employment. However, fellow seniors, there are a few things we all need to do before we pack up this party and head towards the gaping black hole known as the real world. I'm not talking about renting your cap and gown -- we all did that, and are all planning to piss in them during the procession to get our $37 worth. Or maybe that's just me. We have to say goodbye to Penn, home of the best, brightest, and JAPpiest, the right way. I present to you Things You Have to Do Before You Graduate.
1. DO NOT HAVE SEX UNDER THE BUTTON. Please. It's far too cliche, and you don't want to be soaking up second hand fluids. God knows when they last cleaned under that thing. Have sex somewhere more exciting, like on an elliptical at Pottruck. Shove that Theta pledge off and tell her to eat a sandwich. You can time your fornications to the scrolling subtitles on MSNBC and enjoy a post-coital smoothie on PennCash (damn you, Bursar, for leaving us so soon).
2. TELL AUTHORITY FIGURES WHAT YOU REALLY THINK. If you've always fantasized about slapping that Student Health nurse who prescribed you Gatorade when your symptoms screamed meningitis, then cab it down there tomorrow and have your way with her face. If you'd like to tell that professor who came onto you that he's filthy, then shoot his wife a friendly email before you hop a plane to your post-graduation vacay.
3. DRESS PENN FOR A DAY. This especially applies if you're part of one of those lame facebook groups that abhors the popped collar. Show your Penn pride and don a Greek letter hat, Yurman earrings, a Tiffany's necklace, a pink Polo, gigantic Gucci shades, a denim mini, a bag that costs more than a month's rent, an UGG on one foot and a Rainbow on the other. Don't forget an iPod in one ear playing the Garden State soundtrack and a cell phone attached to the other, into which you should be screaming at your Dad for more money.
You're all creative people -- well, except you, Whartonites. I'm sure you can think up your own ways to say sayonara to the old Red and Blue. Are those even our colors? I don't do football games.
